Sunday, February 1, 2015

Body Peace: Content, Happy and Present

I made a new years resolution this year, not to lose weight, not to PR, not to get stronger but to find BODY PEACE within myself.  I have struggled with my body image since I was a wee girl on the swings in Kindgarden.  I have written about struggling with Bulimia most of my teen and young adult years, gaining weight and lots of it, losing 100 pounds and the struggle to maintain that.  I have been all over the Body Image Map but have never settled into a place of peace.  It's time.  I am tired of the fight and ready to let go of my insecurities and fears. I have spent much too much time, brain power, and soul fighting this body of mine.  I want and need to find this, what almost seems magical place.  I even bought this book:

They have a great FB group too! 
Through one of the journalling exercises in the book I came up with THREE WORDS that describe what Body Peace would mean/feel like for me.  I want to feel CONTENT  and HAPPY with my body and PRESENT in my life.  The funny thing is I do feel content and happy in my life, but when too focused on body stuff I don't feel present in my life, in the things that really matter and that needs to change.

So I have the book!  I went on vacation in Punta Cana and took a WHOLE WEEK OFF exercising (first time in almost 5 years!) and I ate and drank as I pleased.  I came home and instead of jumping onto a restrictive de-fluff regime like usual I just went back to my normal healthy routines.  I say I returned to my normal healthy lifestyle but not quite, as I have been less restrictive and enjoying foods I normally don't eat and generally being more relaxed.  I have moments of panic where I think OMG I need to cut back, I need to start "diet habits", I need to do this on MONDAY! I call this this Monday Syndrome, and sadly it was my way of mostly maintaining my weight loss for a long time.  I would be super restrictive and "clean eating" during the week and then go "off the rails" on the weekend.  Major training for endurance sports only made it worse as I would think "Hey I have burned 2000ish cals and need to eat those all back plus more".  This was not a balanced and healthy approach for my mind or body.  So here I am being more relaxed during the week and more balanced on the weekend. I am not getting on the scale everyday and trying to use pictures of myself as a way to "check in".  A number on the scale can send me into a funk but when I see a picture of myself I usually see a fit and healthy girl.  This is a much more body positive method for me.  

So here's the thing.  I have had the book for weeks and I am on like Chapter 3? Yep! Despite all my excitement and eagerness for the darn book I am avoiding it.  Instead, I am "relaxing" on food rules, and scale habits and coasting by.  I have moments of panic like I said when I think this is not for me and I need to go back to what "works" for me (TOTAL LIE).  I almost think that I am using the "body  peace" as an excuse to indulge and not really do the work.  I have spent the last two years or so stuck in this place.  I desire this "body peace" and I vacillate between being very "on point", restrictive and weight focused or being in this more relaxed and indulgent place that is filled with uneasiness.  It's a cycle.  Literally, I spent Sept till Dec very focused on getting leaner and with great results only to now feel burnt out. I now find myself on the other side wanting to say "EFF it" and eat all things and enjoy myself.  

If I really want to achieve this Body Peace, I need to do the work.  I need to get passed my fears and insecurities and get uncomfortable.  A friend told me today that she thinks I am "so close".  That really hit home for me.  I remember another friend Heather saying once, that when you feel like quitting you are so very close to achieving your goal.  The easy road out would be to stay in the cycle, but if I am brave and persevere I could find CONTENTMENT and HAPPINESS and find that wonderful feeling of being present in my life and all the blessings that I have been given.  Life is so very short and precious to be wasted on worrying about a number on the scale, or number on my garmin, or the size of my pants.  I have been gifted an incredible body that can do amazing things! I am going to run my 5th full marathon this year and so far I am doing so because I truly want to and enjoying each step.  This is a gift!

I had a Boudoir photo shoot done recently with the amazing Laura Carew Photography and what a gift it was.  It was a chance to see my body as beautiful, with both it's curves and softness and it's strength.  It truly did wonders for my sense of self and the pics were done post Holiday Indulgences!

I like the way pictures make me feel.  I find they are much more empowering then stepping on the scale.  So I am trying to do less and less of that and to use pictures to remind me that I am healthy, fit and happy.  

This morning I was feeling "fluffy", so during my workout I played around and had some fun and had my daughter take some pics.  Now instead of feeling "fluffy" I feel strong and happy.  

This past Friday I went on a date with my hubby and we enjoyed an incredible meal, wine, and music.  It was amazing, to just be present enjoying each other's company instead of worrying about what to eat.
I love getting girly, because usually I am just a yoga pant and sweaty hair girl
It was wonderfully refreshing to wake up Saturday morning and not feel guilty.  So maybe slowly but surely I am getting closer to this magical Body Peace place.

One thing is for sure, I am worth it!  My girls are wroth it! and I want to role model to them that there is freedom to be had! 

1 comment:

  1. So this journal, even though you are only on chapter 3, has started the thought process and the actions to achieving what you want with contentment, peace and presence. I think that is fantastic. So even if you never get through the whole book, it has helped, and that is the important thing.