Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Settling into myself

Its been about 2 months since I started trying to practice attuned eating and letting go of some for lack of a better word "hang ups".  I'm settling in, the peaks of anxiety and panic are far less and I am feeling good.  My body also seems to be settling in and my weight for the most part has stayed very steady, as though it has found it's happy place.  I have to admit that I have been getting on the scale everyday during this change because I was afraid I was going to pack on the pounds.  You can't blame me, when I was in my 20's and recovered from bulimia I gained weight very very quickly.  A size 4 to a 22 in a matter of years.  But that was a very different story and stage of my life.  I feel like this is the tail end of my journey, the last phase in a healing process.

I've been taking pictures of myself in the morning while heading to the gym or coming home from a workout.  I find when I look in the mirror I don't always "see" what's really there.  But when I take a picture of myself I see a FIT and HEALTHY woman.  It sounds vain and silly, but its helped my keep my head on straight.

For the most part my clothes all fit, ok ok some of my skinny jeans are a little snugger but I still wear them.  I just do the deep lunges and squats to stretch into them.  Lord help me if I have to wash them.  I want to go shopping for a pair of spring coloured jeans, that will be a test of my new body acceptance.  I hope one that goes well.

Over all my days are "easier" less stressful worrying about what to eat.  I used to spend my weeks on a "restrictive" phase to counteract the weekend indulgences.  It was how I maintained my weight loss for a year.  Its funny but over all I think much less about food now, it has much less power over me.   Even my obsession with choc chips has lessened! Now that says a lot.  It's the little things that are different and yet have a big impact on being happier.  At dinner if we are having rice I have a small portion, where as before I wouldn't have touched a "WHITE CARB" unless carb loading for a huge run.  I often have a wee dessert after lunch, a touch of something sweet, and it satisfies me.  A big change is my weekend's are not spent thinking about "what I can eat" "what kind of food party" I can have because I am allowed too.  I simply try to eat when hungry and stop when full.  I'm really enjoying what I eat and spending a lot less brain power on it. In all honesty though in the last two months I have had many a weekend event that has involved a lot of WINE :) and that does tend to numb the full meter.  But I am doing my best.

Three big things have happened that have really signalled a change for me.  One night after a few glasses of wine and a dinner out.  I was in a "EAT ALL THINGS MOOD.."  We stopped at shoppers and I bought jubes and choc.  I ate a few small handful of the jubes in the car.  But when we got home realized I was full, and satisfied.  I didn't want the rest.  If I wanted them the next day I could eat them because they were 'allowed" no need to to gorge on them.  WOW WOW WOW!! Huge moment for me.

The other was at Sugar Bush last weekend, where I enjoyed a lovely sticky sugary pancake breakfast.  The two previous years I brought a green smoothie with me and picked spinach and chia seed out of my teeth.  (Not knocking the smoothie still make one for breaky most mornings, and love my chia!) More importantly, I was engaged with the company of my friends and family.  Instead of thinking of how many calories I had left to eat that day, or trying not to wish I was eating pancakes too.  My mind wasn't on food but on enjoying myself.

Lastly, my desire to "do the deed" has returned.  One would think that losing 100 pounds would have you wanting to get all "sexy" in bed.  NOPE!  Perhaps, it's because my boobs have regained some fullness and are less national geographic, maybe it's because I have more mental room for intimacy.  Whatever it is, it sure is nice to be feeling happy in that department..wink.

I know I tend to jump into things FULL FORCE.  I'm trying to find balance here between healthy nutritious eating and fuelling, and also eating for pleasure.  I know that this is not the right fit for everyone.  That is something else I am learning.  Just doing my best to be healthy and happy.

So far so good....wish me luck jean shopping :) wink


  1. Hey Katie - good on ya. It has been quite a journey for you and it almost seems like you've "come home".


  2. HOME :) you know what I say that on my long runs at the turn around...I chant HOME in my head...and it fills me with a good feeling.

  3. Thank you Katie, you really are inspiring. I got myself a pair of red cords this winter and I love them! Go for it! I like the idea of an increase in "that" area. But don't tell my DH, I don't want him getting any ideas :)

  4. oh my gawsh! I'm totally caught up in the "sticky sugary pancake" part of your post. The fact that you enjoyed yourself is epic. You showed those pancakes who was boss AND ate the pancakes without guilt is pretty awesome. You did good, girlfriend! xo

    Now can I haz a pancake???

    1. I didn't even mention the taffy on snow :) wink wink

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