From the get go I have been pretty honest on this blog, sharing my story and all the ups and downs. I think its important to share the real story, what makes us human. A few weeks ago I was really struggling. I was feeling a lot of anaxiety and even depressed. I felt like there was a dark cloud over me. It was an awful feeling. I felt burnt out and most definitely at the end of my rope. I had very very little patience for my children. Physical anxiety symptoms like a racing heart and nausea kept sneaking up on me. The more "stressed out" I felt the more I relied on rigid thinking in regards to how I was eating and working out. I tried to find some kind of control over how I was feeling this way. I guess the dealing with stress with food part has not died out (whether it be overeating, or being rigid).
I was not myself. I asked for help. I told Ryan how I was feeling and that I needed a break, before I broke. I told him I felt like I used to when I took Prozac or Paxil for anxiety. I didn't want to go back to that (not yet) and that I thought talking to someone would help. So I set up a counseling appointment. Last Thursday I spent an hour talking to someone about myself, and what was bothering ME and I didn't have any children bugging me while I did it! It felt so very good. I felt a huge relief in doing so. I must pause and share funny tidbit as I was booking my next appointment, I made a Freudian slip and said I will need someone to watch the KILLDREN (oops...can you tell the kids are stressing me out? LOL) In my defense though I had a pic of Jillian Michael's up on my lap top and I refer to as KILIAN now. So it was a logical slip :)
Having opened up to Ryan, shared how I was feeling with some of my friends on Losing it in Ottawa, and even just that one appointment really "lightened up" my mood. That night we went out as I blogged about and spent a great dinner out on a patio. Last weekend was amazing, I was so much more relaxed.
I'm relaxing, I'm trying to find more balance. Having delayed my long run last weekend from Saturday to Sunday was a big deal for me. Realizing that it wasn't something that had to be set in stone and that I could indeed, sleep in, and enjoy a day with my family without worrying about fitting that gigantic run in was a AHA MOMENT for me. This weekend my little one has a soccer tournament Saturday, I will be truthful a few weeks ago that would have stressed me out. I would have been getting up at 5am to fit my run in before going. Now I see that I can take that day as my rest day and go on Sunday. I know it seems so simple. But I have have an extreme personality, there is an all or nothing quality to me. Its part of the reason I have been able to run that damn marathon, its extreme like me :) Training for a marathon (or three) takes a lot of discipline and I think I was slipping to far into the discipline side. On a side note I was relieved when talking to the therapist about running and training for another Marathon, that she didn't see it as a negative thing. That running has given me so much, and has done so much good for my mind and body. I really do love it. So finding life balance (ah that sneaky sneaky elusive balance) is the party trick. Knowing that this weekend I can fit it all in, feels good, it feels good to not be stressing over how to make it work.
Now to find balance with the food. Always the damn food. I guess you don't get to be a size 22 and not have a "few" issues with food. I don't feel my emotions I deal with them with food. But again, I am feeling a shift in my thinking. I am relaxing with the food. The trick here is to not go overboard. Thursday night, the night of the Fried Pickles and Beer I ate way way too much. Friday I indulged but not passed the point of full. I think I will always struggle with the damn all or nothing, black and white thinking. Finding the grey zone here is so hard for me. But I am trying. I totally over ate yesterday, I don't even know how it happened but I know it started with choc chips. The key though, is I didn't panic. I did not berate myself. I did not make promises. I loved myself. I accepted that I ate to much. I went back and had another cookie. I accepted that too. I told myself it was not the end of the world. I told myself I was ok. I believed it. I went to sleep and woke up this morning feeling well.
My friend Liz said something that stuck with me, it was something like all we can do is OUR BEST, that there is no perfection, but we keep striving forward and to do our best. I'm working on being MY BEST, taking care of me, being a happy and healthy me. I am not the bulimic I was in my young adulthood, I am not the obese woman of my adulthood, I am me right now doing my best to be healthy and happy.