Friday, July 6, 2012

Breaking free of the number...

This week marks my first week into my training plan for the Army Run Half Marathon in September and the Toronto Waterfront Full Marathon in October.  I'm excited to share that I have also officially registered for the DISNEY MARATHON in January and will be running with a friend and vacationing with our two families while there!  Very excited. 

Having only just run my first Marathon end of May, it might seem a bit crazy to have 2 more lined up.  I certainly seem to be chasing that "high" feeling again and I most certainly have a love for running.  I love having a big goal in front of me, something to challenge me and motivate me.  But more then that I have found that training for the Marathon distance in particular seems to have helped me on the "mind" front of this healthy lifestyle journey. 

Its been two years since I first stepped foot in the gym and a lot has happened.  My life really has changed for the better.  But with that has come a somewhat "suffocating" focus on "weight" at times.  It's one that I have put on myself.  You don't lose 100 pounds will nilly, you focus, you eat right, you pass up your favorite foods, you count calories, you hop on that stupid scale.  I have been "maintaining" my weight loss since January with small fluctuations here and there (went up a bit while doing 20 mile runs).  Maintenance, is hard.  Trying to find that balance between a healthy and nutritious lifestyle and still enjoying your favorite foods and treats is tricky.  The trap I was falling into was, allowing myself to be defined by the number on the scale too much.  I was allowing "weight" to haunt me.  I blogged for the Losing it in Ottawa blog (which I love, and the community there is my home) but when my turn to blog came up I felt pressured and strange writing about weight loss again. (I know that's not the only purpose or topic of the blog, but mentally it was pardon the pun "weighing" on me).  We also applied to have my life insurance reevaluated to see if we could take away my rating now that I was no longer obese.  I have to say I felt sick inside the day the nurse came to my house and asked how much I weighed and put me on a scale.  I was nervous.  Again, I chose to have my policy looked at.  In addition to that, I had the daily game of getting on the scale and watching the ebb and flow of a week.  The up after a relaxed weekend and the downward trend to normal throughout the week.  Every monday, I felt like "yuck" because of that number on the scale.  When in reality I was fine, the same person I was on Friday, only retaining some water.  I think I am likely not alone in these mind games we play with ourselves, no matter our size, or where we are in our journey.  I believe we all have our moments where our insecurities and these type of games get the best of us.  Where they have the potential to sabotage us. 

So about two weeks ago I made a decision to ditch the scale! I went out shopping instead and bought a new dress and a SHORT skirt that made me feel AWESOME! I decided I was going to let my clothing tell me how I was doing.  If my skinny jeans get tight, well girl you need to lay of those choc chips.  I can't tell you how good it feels to be OFF the scale. How freeing it is for me.  Now when I look in the mirror I see the fit healthy woman I have become staring back at me instead of a number.  


My new black dress, I'm wearing a BELT!!

Ignore the hootchie tank and bra....proudly sporting a short skirt

Part of this probably sounds familiar, I go through phases of being diligent in my "weight loss" or "maintenance" efforts....then have a come to Jesus moment where I see the crazy going on and back off.  I actually do pray for help, and ask God to help me let go of the crazy.  I know this is something I will always battle with.  The Marathon Training helps me let go of the crazy.  Now I know a "Marathon" is extreme in itself, but here's the thing...YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF to run one.  You need to eat well, nourish yourself, you need to sleep, and train smart.  I want to RUN that marathon, and therefore I am very motivated to take the best care I can of myself.  I would rather see myself as an athlete then a number.  

Do you have trouble with the "crazy" sneaking in?  Do you self sabotage yourself with mind games? How do you BREAK FREE?


2 comments:

  1. I'm glad you ditched the scale. I remember telling you that a long time ago :)
    Me I weight myself once every week or two (I forget) and find myself pleasantly surprised to finally be losing weight after 9 mths of trying.
    And your legs look great in that skirt.

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  2. Just started reading your blog :) Great post!! I know very well about battling with numbers on the scale and getting caught up in what the number is! You are so right...it is a very liberating feeling to stay away for the scale :) Good for you!

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