|Sub 2hr half marathon!|
So why did I need the win? I battled a serious case of self doubt last week. It was creeping up all over the place. The more I thought about it the more I realized that like so many things in my life it was coming back to weight. I am struggling with this thing called "maintenance" and also training for a marathon. I have been picking up some old bad habits. It started with eating as I pleased after a long run. Run 32km and burn 2500 cals and well DUDE IT's A FREE FOR ALL! I was craving sugar like a maniac, dreaming about JUBES....crying for JUBES. I got the jubes...and they made me want more...and chocolate. That's where it started, then dinner after a long run would consist of things I don't normally eat, and lots of wine. Next thing you know I am up 2-3 pounds the morning after running 32km! Who does that? Long run over and I was back to "normal" eating habits for the most part. ONLY...I seem to have developed a serious love affair for choc chips (a handful here and handful there), and the more sugar you eat the more you crave it! I was even adding choc chips to my bowl of oatmeal. For a former obese women that's like the equivalent of a recovered alcoholic adding a shot of whisky to their morning coffee. Its a slippery slope. Its not just the sugar, its the reason's why I was eating it. I would find myself feeling stressed and reaching for the sugar fix. A habit that got me to a size 22 and one that I need to stop immediately. I also seem to have developed this false sense of "invincibility" for lack of a beter word. This feeling that I am burning away so many calories that I can eat what I please, that I have eaten these things and hadn't gained weight. Only, what you eat does matter and it is starting to catch up on me. I do need to eat to fuel my body and the activity that I love to do. I need to eat well to preform well. But eating sugar and caffeine is not healthy. I am starting to gain weight!
I just said those words out loud. I have gained weight about 3-5 pounds. I am now at exactly 100 pounds lost. Here's where the panic sets in. What if I gain one more pound and I can no longer say that I have lost 100 pounds? What if I get hurt and can't run a marathon? What if I stop exercising (I don't think this will happen, I love it too much but you see where the thought pattern is going)? Who am I? All my life I have tied my identity to something. In high school, sadly much of my identity was tied to having an eating disorder and being "smart." As I recovered, I really struggled with letting that go, who was I? I quickly latched onto something else, at least this time it was healthier focusing on University. Later in life as I struggled with being obese and not feeling very good about myself, I really started to form my identity around being a "scrap booker, an artist." It gave me something to feel good about. Now that I have been on this "weight loss and health journey" I have started to form a lot of my identity around having lost weight. I blog for the "LOSING IT IN OTTAWA" blog, I have been very open and have put my thoughts and story out there on my blog and others, and heck I have even started a second career as a personal trainer. I feel a certain pressure to maintain that weight loss. I am the one putting that pressure on myself, I know no one else is doing that. But these thoughts and feelings are leading to a feeling of panic, of stress, and none of that is healthy.
But there's the key right there...HEALTH. Being HEALTHY, HAPPY and FIT is what matters. The number on the scale does not matter. I need to remind myself of that and let that go. Like so many times, here on this blog I find myself having a "coming to Jesus moment" and steering myself back on path. No matter what the scale says, it can not take away those 32km I ran, that took me 3 and half hours to do, nor can it take away how strong and fit I feel. I am strong, fit, and healthy! I may be sneaking choc chips into my oatmeal but for the most part I eat a very nutritious diet full of food that is good for me and my body. I work really hard at trying to feed my family healthy food. I do live a healthy life. The number on the scale...well I need to stop letting that define me. I think this is a battle I will likely be fighting again and again, but I will fight it! I will keep resetting myself and reminding myself and if I have to knock myself in the head with the damn scale I will!
So I am pressing the reset button this week. I am giving up my beloved choc chips for the week and all added sugar. I need to let go off that toxic stuff right now. Not to say that choc chips won't have a place in my future but right now I need to stop those destructive habits. Destructive habits including letting myself be defined by a number on the scale.
|ME and my girls...being so much more then a number...being sassy mom, crazy mom, loving mom...piss and vinegar Katie!!!|