Monday, April 16, 2012

Struggling and Resetting

Sub 2hr half marathon!
Training for the Marathon (I think the word Marathon deserves a capital letter) in May is going well which I am very grateful for.  This past Saturday I set out for a recovery run of 19km, but was feeling really really good and I noticed my pace was on target to do a PR for the half marathon.  I decided to go for it and run the 21km (13.1miles).  I had something to prove to myself!  I really needed that win.  I gave everything I had in the those last 2 miles and finished in 1hr 56 min and 24 sec!

So why did I need the win?  I battled a serious case of self doubt last week.  It was creeping up all over the place. The more I thought about it the more I realized that like so many things in my life it was coming back to weight.  I am struggling with this thing called "maintenance" and also training for a marathon.  I have been picking up some old bad habits.  It started with eating as I pleased after a long run.  Run 32km and burn 2500 cals and well DUDE IT's A FREE FOR ALL!  I was craving sugar like a maniac, dreaming about JUBES....crying for JUBES.  I got the jubes...and they made me want more...and chocolate.  That's where it started, then dinner after a long run would consist of things I don't normally eat, and lots of wine. Next thing you know I am up 2-3 pounds the morning after running 32km!  Who does that?  Long run over and I was back to "normal" eating habits for the most part.  ONLY...I seem to have developed a serious love affair for choc chips (a handful here and handful there), and the more sugar you eat the more you crave it!  I was even adding choc chips to my bowl of oatmeal. For a former obese women that's like the equivalent of a recovered alcoholic adding a shot of whisky to their morning coffee.  Its a slippery slope.  Its not just the sugar, its the reason's why I was eating it.  I would find myself feeling stressed and reaching for the sugar fix.  A habit that got me to a size 22 and one that I need to stop immediately.  I also seem to have developed this false sense of "invincibility" for lack of a beter word.  This feeling that I am burning away so many calories that I can eat what I please, that I have eaten these things and hadn't gained weight.  Only, what you eat does matter and it is starting to catch up on me.  I do need to eat to fuel my body and the activity that I love to do.  I need to eat well to preform well.  But eating sugar and caffeine is not healthy.  I am starting to gain weight! 

I just said those words out loud.  I have gained weight about 3-5 pounds.   I am now at exactly 100 pounds lost.  Here's where the panic sets in.  What if I gain one more pound and I can no longer say that I have lost 100 pounds?  What if I get hurt and can't run a marathon?  What if I stop exercising (I don't think this will happen, I love it too much but you see where the thought pattern is going)?  Who am I?  All my life I have tied my identity to something.  In high school, sadly much of my identity was tied to having an eating disorder and being "smart."  As I recovered, I really struggled with letting that go, who was I?  I quickly latched onto something else, at least this time it was healthier focusing on University.  Later in life as I struggled with being obese and not feeling very good about myself, I really started to form my identity around being a "scrap booker, an artist."  It gave me something to feel good about.  Now that I have been on this "weight loss and health journey" I have started to form a lot of my identity around having lost weight.  I blog for the "LOSING IT IN OTTAWA" blog, I have been very open and have put my thoughts and story out there on my blog and others, and heck I have even started a second career as a personal trainer.  I feel a certain pressure to maintain that weight loss.  I am the one putting that pressure on myself, I know no one else is doing that.  But these thoughts and feelings are leading to a feeling of panic, of stress, and none of that is healthy.  

But there's the key right there...HEALTH.  Being HEALTHY, HAPPY and FIT is what matters.  The number on the scale does not matter.  I need to remind myself of that and let that go.  Like so many times, here on this blog I find myself having a "coming to Jesus moment" and steering myself back on path.  No matter what the scale says, it can not take away those 32km I ran, that took me 3 and half hours to do, nor can it take away how strong and fit I feel.  I am strong, fit, and healthy! I may be sneaking choc chips into my oatmeal but for the most part I eat a very nutritious diet full of food that is good for me and my body.  I work really hard at trying to feed my family healthy food.  I do live a healthy life.  The number on the scale...well I need to stop letting that define me.  I think this is a battle I will likely be fighting again and again, but I will fight it!  I will keep resetting myself and reminding myself and if I have to knock myself in the head with the damn scale I will!  

So I am pressing the reset button this week.  I am giving up my beloved choc chips for the week and all added sugar.  I need to let go off that toxic stuff right now.  Not to say that choc chips won't have a place in my future but right now I need to stop those destructive habits.  Destructive habits including letting myself be defined by a number on the scale. 
ME and my girls...being so much more then a number...being sassy mom, crazy mom, loving mom...piss and vinegar Katie!!!

10 comments:

  1. holy crapola Katie that's AMAZEBALLS!!!!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!! were you doing continuous running? or intervals with walks? that's no long slow distance my friend.

    I never want to sound condescending because I can't understand truly your struggle because I was never obese. overweight yes. for a few years, but not struggle my whole life. i have had other struggles, still do, so I hate ever sounding like i should mind my own business. that being said, it still moves me and inspires me reading about your journey!!! you are amazing!

    i think truly that to try to lose weight and do marathon training is so very tricky. and the 2 pounds up after a 32KM run, hello, you know this. you are a personal trainer. water retention from all your electrolyte replenishing. sodium makes the water stick. your body NEEDS that water when you are doing that kind of intense endurance work. you KNOW this. give yourself a break. jubes, choc chips, whatever....give yourself a break.

    it never takes away the milestones you have achieved with your weight loss. never. you ARE healthy.

    and pretty damn strong!!!! WOWZERS!!!!!! that's like, what...a 5:20min/km pace for a whole 21.1km????????? way to go girl.


    embrace it.

    Lara (@viva_lara)

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    1. Lara I am so glad to have "met" you...thank-you...ps..do you have a blog?

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  2. My how you have grown sweet sweet friend! GROWN! You are certainly the epitome of what a PT should be as far as I am concerned!

    LOVE YOU!
    R
    XOOX

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    1. I agree with Rachel!

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    2. Thank-you girls, needed that :)

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  3. Sub 2 hour half marathon....I bow down to you!!!!! Take a break from the sugar this week but consider a reset and then go back to what you were dong that works. Moderation not deprivation.

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    1. I agree moderation is key...derivation has only ever led to binging for me. now on a funny note...I really do wonder if all that easter choc pumping my muscles up with glucose made me run that half in sub 2 hrs! LOL

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  4. Loved to read this, Katie. And it's so crazy, the way that sugar can hit you and dig in and then it's just there, and you forgot that it was actually easy to live without it.

    I too am resetting this month. I'm meeting with a nutritionist this week. I'll tell the MMEWers all about it this week in a video boost.

    All hail the reset.

    p.s. 32 K? INSANE and AMAZING!

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    1. All Hail the Rest!! I like that :)

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  5. I know what I just read and I get the "fear" of how you're feeling, but I just can't see you falling back like that. You picked up on the warning signs, acknowledged you need a wee bit of fixing, and adjusted accordingly. This is called winning! Now go on wit yo' sassy self.

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