I had my annual check up this week. I have to admit I was pretty excited to see our family Dr. (she is awesome) and to show her how well I am doing. I had my last physical, just after running my first 5km race and having lost a little bit of weight. I remember how happy she was to hear and see that. She even put an A+ in my file (for real). You can imagine my excitement at telling her that I had run a half marathon with Ryan. The kids came with me for the appointment, and I'm glad they did, as they got to hear us talking about being healthy and living a healthy lifestyle. I have to say that my Dr. was beaming with joy when I told her about all the year had brought. The best part was that other than her bringing up my BMI chart to show how much it had changed in a year (44 to 27) we didn't talk about weight. It wasn't the weight loss that had her beaming, it was the change to our whole family's lifestyle. We talked about Ryan and I running together, trying to eat more whole foods, cooking and baking with the kids and teaching them. It felt so good to hear that I was doing well, setting a good example. We even shared some laughs, telling post baby/weight loss boob jokes.
It also felt good to know that I am being healthy. I am trying hard to find that balance between loosing weight, being healthy, and LIVING life. When I was home this weekend for Thanksgiving my mom showed me a picture from when I was in high school. She compared it to a recent picture of me, and I guess I have the 'same look' in both pictures. Its a look in the eyes because my eyes captured the 'eye' of the camera (if that makes sense). But by no means do I look the same physically in both pictures, I am a 109 ponds in the one from high school for heaven's sake. But my mom was worried. At first, I was aggravated with her and thought she was being silly. THEN IT DAWNED ON ME....if this was Kayleigh or Kasey and I had so intimately watched them struggle with Bulimia for such a large portion of their life, I too might be worried seeing their body change so much. I got it then, and when I got it I felt so horribly guilty for all the pain I had caused when I was younger. I told my mom, not to worry, that I am well, that I am healthy. She said, she knows, but that sometimes the focus on fitness and nutrition can seem obsessive. I told her that its hard not to be 'obsessive' to some extent. I am passionate about this, making healthy changes, eating well, and moving. I am hooked on it like scrapbooking, and anyone that knows me knows I am 'obsessed' with scrapbooking too. I am trying to make a career out of being a personal trainer, and with that comes a certain focus on fitness. A little over a year ago, I was 'obsessed' with food too....I thought about what to eat and how good it would make me feel when I was stressed or bored. I focused on food, at a size 22, a lot then too. Food was my friend, my enemy, my personal party. The difference now is I am trying to see food as a fuel, a way of nourishing myself and my family. I am also trying to find the balance, where I can just eat and not be thinking about how many grams of protein this has, and what its nutritional value is, to instinctively know what it is I need. Sometimes, that 'need' is a glass of wine and a bar of dark chocolate. My hope is that I will be able to navigate these murky waters, and become the light house for my daughters as they grow and develop. That my girls will have a healthy, well balanced, role model in their lives. A mom that loves her body, jiggly bits and all, and can teach them to love themselves. My greatest wish, is for us all to feel that way, no matter our size.