Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I feel AWESOME! I had a great run today.  The kind of run that just lights you up inside and makes you feel like you swallowed a bottle of prozac.  I ran 8km on the treadmill, in the hill interval program (level 6).  Which means that you basically run one minute flat and then one minute on an incline.  The incline varies from 1.6 to 5%, building up and coming back down and then repeating all over again.  I love these runs, the flat incline is enough of a rest to give you the power to get up the hill.  Today I ran 7.25ish KM of the run at 6.0 mph.  I usually struggle to keep that pace on a flat run.   I seem to have gained some speed and power and am doing better than ever before. I think part of it is that I am doing more 'explosive' types of training.  Like plyometrics in the "Strength Burn" workout, intense cardio sessions like Jacob's Ladder, Body Attack and work on the treadmill.  My body is getting better at working in the anaerobic energy system.

Usually this is the part where I say I want to bottle this feeling of AWESOMENESS up and hand it out to my friends.  But I don't think I need to.  Something is changing with the fall air, a change is coming, and people are catching on!

Just in the last week I have had a friend join the gym, another set some serious goals, one start running again and sign up for a 5km race, another sign up for her first race ever, Laura's pushing herself harder then ever before and husband is doing his first race and a 10km at that, Jenn is running her 2nd half marathon, and thinking about a third in the next couple of months, Ryan is back on his game his knee is strong and ran 5km in 28 min today. The list goes on and on (Peggy! Alysia! Jenn. B etc)...of people out there pushing themselves to achieve things that perhaps they never thought possible.

In the words of my favorite exercise GURU...Exer Susie!  "EVERBODY AWESOME!"

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Random Bits

Happy Tuesday!  Thought I would update the old blog with a few random bits:

1.  Worked on the 'SPIDER POSE' (I know that's not its official name but that's what Laura looks like when she does it! Like a girl with supernatural powers transforming into a fricken spider!)  Laura spotted me and I still couldn't get my head up off the ground.  Not giving up though, going to keep trying.

2.  Officially Registered for the 10km race at Rattle Me Bones.  I said my goal was under 1:06 for the race. Well I am going to change that, since I ran 10km Monday, at a personal best of 1:01:40!!!!  So my new goal and I can't believe I am even saying this is under an hour!  I never would have thought that possible 2-3 months ago!
Rattle Me Bones last year...1:09:20..I looked up my official time.  
3.  I haven't bought a scale yet, I looked at some today at the grocery store but was too cheap to put out $50 bucks for one.  So I will wait...or rather Ryan will wait LOL.

4.  I actually registered for a CPR course today!  Its only been on my TO DO list for a month.  Its the last part that I need to officially obtain my Personal Training Certification.  Yes I have been suffering from a serious case of the procrastinators itch.

5.  I've been to the Athletic Club twice in the last week to workout with THREE of my old friends...kind of a little reunion in a way.  It was really cool.  

6. Kasey and I baked CHOCOLATE CHIP BLONDIES that are HEALTHY!! They are made with chic peas of all things! 

7.  Did a guest post over at Kids in the Capital, you can check it out here. 

That's all she wrote!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Are you ready?

I wanted to share one of the many reasons why I love my husband.  Today he asked me: "Are you ready to have a scale in the house?"  You see last year, I threw our scale out.  Not because it was broken, it worked just fine but because it was driving me insane, or rather I was driving myself insane.  Now Ryan is going nuts having to weight himself at the gym, and not even always the same gym or scale.

You know what I am ready!  I think the scale and I can be friends as long as we set up some ground rules.

1.  Its a personal thing but I don't want to let my little girls see me weigh myself.  I don't think its wrong if they see me stand on it, if they know that the scale measures how much someone weighs.  Its just that for me and with 'my history' I would rather they not see me weigh myself and I don't want them to ever hear me talk about being fat or loosing weight or any of that nonsense.

2.  No more than one weighing a day!  Non of this bouncing on and off the scale dancing through out the day.

3.  If at any point the scale makes me feel less then worthy of AWESOME...I get to kick its metal ass!  and I take a break from it.

4.  I remember always that it is just a number and a number that can change so easily with water retention, 'a big fat poo', the time of day...etc....I remember its JUST A NUMBER even when I like the number :)

So in non scale victories (I love these), I have one to share.  Getting ready for church yesterday, I thought for 'fun' I would try on a skirt that my friend Gwen had given me.  It's a size 10 and didn't fit 3 weeks ago (could not even begin to get the zipper up).  Guess what it FITS!  and I love it.   I love wearing skirts, I had forgotten how much I like them.  I felt so girly and airy (yep nice fall breeze LOL). I couldn't resist getting this silly picture taken.
You know I really need some new shoes....

Friday, September 23, 2011

Now what?

I started this week off feeling a little lost, with the completion of a year long goal, the Army Run Half Marathon.  When people asked me about the race at the gym I got all teary talking about it, and even made someone else tear up (drag them down with me I say!).  I guess I was still feeling pretty emotional about it all.  Mid week, I felt 'free'.  I felt free of a training plan and decided to have some fun this week working out and to change it up.  Wednesday the kids and I drove out to Richmond to take a CORE class with one of my favorite trainers EXER SUSIE.  I wasn't disappointed and let me tell you my abs still ache. That night I suggested in a spur of the moment way that Ryan and I go hit a spin class at the gym.  The two of us haven't been on a spin bike in months, and I was worried it would kick our butts.  But I was surprised to find that I needed to keep cranking up the tension to get to the breathless point.  The music in the class was awesome and took me right back to my 20's!  I felt on fire.  We left the gym sweaty, and full of endorphins.  Thursday morning, I took a killer cardio class called BODY ATTACK with my gym rat Laura.  I loved the class, and the instructor was awesome and not just because she brought homemade Date Nuggets to share. This morning I am headed to my favorite Yoga class and then meeting my good friends Mellisa, Stephanie and Tanya, at the Athletic Club this afternoon to try out a new class.  It feels great to mix it up and have some fun....BUT...I miss having a goal.  A goal drives me, empowers me, keeps me on track.  

So its time to set some new goals!

Short Term Goals:

1.  Ryan and I are going to run the 10km at Rattle Me Bones at the end of October.  Last year I ran it in 1hr and 14 min I think.  I would like to run it in under 1hr 6min this year.  So next week I will be back into my running shoes and working on that. 

2.  My friend Jenn and I have a goal of doing ONE CHIN UP.  Our plan is to use the chin assist machine and keep using more of our body weight till we can do one without help.   We will have our cameras ready to capture it before we collapse. 

3.  Strength training 3 times a week from 2.  I want to build more muscle and work on some definition in my muscles.  Which also means eating well to build some muscle in the kitchen.  

4.  I want to do this yoga pose.  (right now I can't get my head up off the ground) 

Long Term Goals:

1.  To launch my own personal training business geared at helping moms like me.  I need to stop procrastinating, build some confidence and can do attitude and GET IT DONE! 

2. Run a FULL MARATHON....don't know when, but since its been on my dream list since high school and I did half of one...I think I had better make this one happen!  

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Today was an incredible day, a day full of emotion and happiness.  Today I ran 21km and I did it with my husband and best friend Ryan.   Here's a picture of us just before the race started. 

Heading to our corral, full of butterflies...
Before I can tell the story of today, I have to go back to last year where it all started.  Last year at this time Ryan and I ran our first 5km race at the Army Run.  What a race to choose as your first (thank-you Eva), the cannon starting the race off, the soldiers, the band, the dog tags.  Its was an inspiring race, and many runners.  That race definitely got us hooked and we became running junkies signing up for a 10km race just a month later at Rattle Me Bones.  We were so hooked that we ended the year, running a 10km race New Year's Eve night.  New Year's Day we both agreed to give the half marathon a shot, half of a life long dream on mine!  At the time I had no idea if I had the ability to do it, but I was going to train hard and do my best.
Ryan and I at last year's 5 km race
That brings us to today.  I woke up at 4am this morning when one of the kids was crying and never fell back to sleep.  I had the butterflies so bad and was way to excited to sleep.  I was officially out of bed at 6:30am.  I made both Ryan and I our usual smoothie for breakfast.  We enjoyed a little coffee and some facebook well wishes.  Next I filled up our fuel belts with Gatorade, and water and packed our pouches with GU fuel.   
7:00 am, my super excited face :)
 We were out of the house and heading downtown by 7:45am.  On the way we discussed a bit of strategy, talking about our goal of running the race in 2 and half hours and finding the pace bunny to help us get there.  We got to the corral early and I asked the Pace Bunny to take his picture with me.  My good luck bunny :) 

Our Goal was to do the run in 2hrs and 30 min.  From my training runs I was pretty sure I could do that and was really hoping to push myself for between 2:20 and 2:30.  Ryan hurt his knee a couple months ago and his training was effected.  He just recently got back into the distance and had one 19km run under his belt.  Going into the race he was worried that 2.5 hrs was going to be hard to make.  So our plan was to do our best to stick with the pace bunny and with each other and then go our separate ways if need be later.  
Now is a good time to share with you, that last year at the 5km I got cocky and asked Ryan if it was ok to leave him during the race thinking that I might be able to beat him.  He said sure but only if he could do the same.  (Ryan and I are a little competitive at times) Well we got separated last year right away not being used to the crowds and running on the adrenaline of the race I started much faster than I am used to.  I was at about 3km in and thinking to myself "I AM SMOKING RYAN!" A few minutes later I CAUGHT UP TO HIM and couldn't hold it and he smoked me!  He's been kicking my butt in speed every since.  
So back to the half marathon, the cannon went off and we set off.  We were placed at this point quite far behind the pace bunny, we couldn't even see him.  So we ran at a pace that felt good.  I knew we were going faster then we planned but we agreed that we both felt really good and would keep it up.  I can't believe how GOOD  I felt. The weather was great, the spirit of the race was incredible, my music was rocking, and I was enjoying myself.  Ryan and I kept checking in with each other and we both felt great so we sped up a bit.  We passed the 2.30 bunny and later came up on the 2.20 bunny around 10km.  That's when everything got blurry with tears because out of no where I saw MY DAD...I ran over and hugged him...I was in shock and crying...and then I saw MY MOM a little bit further so I went and hugged her and then remembered oh right we are running...better get back in. I cried and jugged back my GU thinking OH MY GOD MY PARENTS ARE HERE!  I swear seeing them just filled me with this feeling of "Katie...this is have trained hard...don't hold anything have got this...give it your all!  Ryan and I picked up our pace again and surged forward, we ran hard but still feeling good till about 13km and then I went for it.  Ryan had given me his blessing just a few minutes before and I knew he had this, that he was going to run a great race.  The whole race changed here, it was almost surreal, the time passed so quickly.  As I ran I prayed for all of the health and fitness that Ryan had gained over this last year to come out to play, for him to run his best race.   I prayed for all of us to run our very best race.  I came up on the 2:15 pace bunny about 3 km away from the finish line (I think..its all such a blurr).  At 3km to go everything hurt now, my legs felt like tightly spun steel, but I focused on small quick steps and a strong core.  At 2km to go, my excitement, and the emotion got the better of me and my heart started racing really fast.  I focused on long slow breaths and calmed down.  At 1km to go I WENT FOR IT!  Half a KM in I sprinted with everything I had in me...I hit the finish line and thought my legs were going to collapse.  My heart was pounding, and I was shocked...shocked at the time..shocked that I wasn't crying...crossing didn't feel like I thought it all happened so my head I thought it would play out like a slow scene in a movie 'Charriot of Fire Style.'  I was still confused and a little disoriented and I stood there waiting for Ryan.  I knew he was running a great race and would definitely beat the 2:30 mark, I expected him to come in at around 2:20.  I was shocked and shaking with happiness and pride when I saw him not to longer coming in at 2:16.  I grabbed him and hugged him, and together (me crying) we walked hand in hand to receive our dog tags. 

There was a row of soldiers standing their to hang the dog tags around our necks and thank-us for the race.  THEY THANKED US.  They who fight and risk everything to keep us safe, were thanking us for running a race.  That's when it all hit me.  The emotion like a tidal wave (and yes just like a scene in a movie...the whole race...the whole year training....the girl who thought this dream was all played out for me).  I held on so tight to Ryan.  We walked through the recovery area and gobbled down some bagels and oranges.  We walked hand in hand to the fountain and got our picture taken.  
Together we did this.  Together we supported each other, together we have changed our lifestyle and our children's, together we are pushing ourselves to do things we never thought possible .

We have had the most amazing day.  The run was just the beginning.  That feeling of bliss has been with us all day, at home with the girls, at the park this afternoon, at the dinner table tonight.  This is one sweet life.

Katie:  2hrs 11mins 43 secs

Ryan: 2 hrs 16 mins 26 secs

Friday, September 16, 2011

Listening to my body...Hunger

2 days to go till the Army Run.  Lots of excitement on Facebook and encouraging messages from friends (thank-you).  I swear every time I think about it I get  the butterflies.  I have changed my training a bit this week to prepare and I think nutritionally my body is trying to prepare me too.  I have been HUNGRY this week.  I have not felt this hungry in sometime.  I am hungry, tummy grumbling hungry, in the afternoon and in the evening it starts up again.  My usual snacks are not cutting it (I eat pretty good snacks, not those empty calorie ones that leave you hungry 10 min later).  So I have listened this week and I am eating more.  I am drinking more water too.  In particular, I am hungry for carbs.  So I have been eating more of those too.  I am trying not to just eat crap food, but to choose things that will fuel me and take care of me.

But I am also feeling a little tired...tired of thinking about how many grams of protein something has, and where am I getting the healthy fats from etc...  I am feeling tired of thinking about "am I making a good choice?"  Tonight I want to just order a bloody pizza and have a few glasses of wine and do it all without 'thinking'.  I read a really good book over a year ago called Women Food and God, and in it she talked a lot about eating what you truly wanted and stopping when your full.  She advocated listening to what our bodies want.  Trust me our bodies do not want most of the crap we think they do!  But yes sometimes they do want a glass of Shiraz.  So I think that as I navigate this healthy life, that I need to let go of the 'disciplined' me a little more often.  This past weekend I enjoyed many a delcious meal, and although it may have been a bit past the point of full I did not go hog wild.  I enjoyed just being present and not online tracking my food as it went in my mouth.  So I am here by prescribing some more 'intuative' eating in my life.

By 'intuative' I mean listening to what I need and eating accordingly.  I am pretty sure my body does not want a WHOLE PIZZA and a BLIZZARD.  But maybe it wants  a bit of pizza, a nice big green salad, and 2 glasses of wine...yeah that sounds about right.  Regardless, the idea isn't to find an excuse to eat crap, or to stuff myself, its to give myself permission to relax and enjoy.

Thanks for listening :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011


In my last post, my good friend and fellow gym rat Laura, suggested a post full of photos of this 'journey' beginning to end.  I went through the pictures I have posted on my blog and created a slideshow.

Here it is...I couldn't figure out how to post the slideshow directly into the post, and frankly I was too lazy.  LOL.

My thoughts after seeing this:

1.  I barely recognize the girl in the pictures in the beginning, it seems like a life time ago.

2.  I am surprised by how 'long' it took for my body to catch up to how I felt inside.  In a lot of the earlier pictures, all though I am still well over 200 pounds, I am kicking ass at the gym.  I am doing things I never thought I could do at my size.  I really felt like an athlete hiding in a fat girl's body.  Goes to show you that size is not an excuse not to go DO IT.

3. No matter what size I am in these pictures the day to day picture is the same.  Its me in the morning, in my workout clothes, the kids in tow, heading to the gym.  Every day!

4.  I never never never want to go back to binging on food, stuffing myself because I can't feed myself with what I am truly hungry for, and letting this beautiful life pass me by.  I don't ever want to stop believing in myself and that I deserve better.  I don't want Kayleigh to say "mom put the chocolate a way" again (she was 3 and yes she did say that and at the time it was very telling... she didn't know it but I did!).

5.  I like that as you look through these pics you see an active girl...again no matter what size!  That makes me smile.

6.  I look pretty goofy in these :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

702 miles

4 days till the Army Run Half Marathon.  I am ready!  I am excited!  Every time I think about it I get a major case of the tummy butterflies, I have no idea how I will sleep Saturday night and hold breakfast down Sunday morning.  I have trained so hard for this.  I want this so bad.  I can't even imagine how it will feel crossing that finish line....I am tearing up just thinking about this.  I am thinking of the run I did one year ago, the 5km, where my shirt barely fit, and I was around 240 pounds.  I remember thinking watch this fat girl run, because she's going to go far.....702 miles...since I first laced up my shoes a year and a bit ago :)
702 miles.....stronger, fitter, healthier, happier with each step!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Discovering that Wine and Good Food can be part of this Healthy Life

Ryan and I at one of the wineries on Niagara on the Lake
This past weekend Ryan and I spent a very blissful weekend in Niagara on the Lake.  We went with two other couples to celebrate a birthday and our 10th wedding anniversary.  It was an amazing weekend filled with fun and a complete feeling of happiness, that may have been partly due to to the steady diet of delicious wine.
As we left Ottawa we knew we would be heading into an indulgent weekend that was not like our normal day to day lifestyle.  But even then we did our best to inject a little bit of healthy in here and there to maintain some balance.  Friday morning before starting the long car ride there, we each went out and did a quick 5km run.  I literally rolled out of bed at 6:30am and straight out the door.  Somehow having that run in made it easier to just 'relax' once we got there and not worry about how many calories were in this or that.  Trust me we ate far more than we burned on a 5km run, but it helped cement that healthy lifestyle feeling.  We packed some cliff bars in the car so we didn't have to stop and eat fast food junk (well Ryan did LOL).  I brought far to much water to keep hydrated and paid for it when I was reduced to contemplating peeing in a bottle in the car (don't worry we made it to the rest stop but it was painful).    Once we rolled into beautiful Niagara on the Lake, I don't think we waited even 10 min before we had our first glass of wine in hand.  From there on in we ate and drank the most wonderful food and wine.  I didn't stuff myself to uncomfortable, nor did I mindlessly shovel through my food.  I chose the most delicious things and savored them.  I chose wine that brought out the flavours in my food.  I chose food that made my wine sing!  I am telling you it was like a concert!  I can honesty say I didn't feel guilty, I didn't worry or fret about the calories, or undoing all my hard work.  I just lived right there in the present, my mind free and happy.  It was blissful.  The whole weekend had such an air of relaxation like I have not felt in a very long time.  Friday night was a very very late night with a few shenanigans so Saturday morning found us feeling pretty 'hung over'.  Somehow, both Ryan and I did manage to roll out of bed into our running shoes and out the door.  I AM SO GLAD WE DID.   It was a beautiful run along the lake, the air felt simply amazing, and surprisingly it didn't take long for us to feel better.  We had planned on a 10km and didn't quite have it in us so we went for a 5km (plus truth be known we were pretty concerned about making it back in time for our gourmet breakfast LOL).  I know that run was what cured us of our hangover, if we had chosen to lay in bed we would have been feeling sluggish and off all day long.  Instead we returned to the hotel just in time to enjoy another amazing meal and a day of wine tours.  We ended our day Saturday with one of the most incredible meals, in a beautiful restaurant.  After dinner though I was in dire of need of stretchy pants so we all changed out of our finery and into comfy clothes and found a little place by a water fountain to enjoy a bottle of wine.  It was truly magical.  Sunday brought more food and wine. I actually ended the weekend at home with a movie, a glass of red, and some chocolate dessert...hey why not?

All this to say that Monday morning when I stepped on the scale for my weekly weigh in, the number had not changed.  I had not been undone by the weekend.  This is the third weekend this summer that I have done this, gone away and indulged and have not suffered consequences on the scale.  I think its because day to day we live a lifestyle that is very active and we even keep that up while way to a certain extent.  We eat very well at home, the majority of what we eat being very nutritious.  While away although we were indulging we weren't 'binging'.  I think this is key.  The 'old' me would have used it as a free for all to stuff myself with as much food as possible. The 'old' me would have thought this was the last opportunity to eat said food, being stuck in that all or nothing thinking.  But this Katie is learning that a healthy lifestyle can indeed have wine, cheese, and chocolate.  I just can't have a bag of MM's every morning at 10:00am (yikes did I just admit that out loud?).  I have to say I am pretty lucky to have my hubby along for this journey as we set out to lead the best life possible for our family.  Its much easier to make the healthy choices with a partner on board.  He's looking pretty fine isn't he :)  
As cute as when I met him at 16 :)

Having the best day together :) 
Feeling the wine happy here :)
This is after dinner...I am surprised our buttons haven't popped LOL 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Granny Panty Parachuting: the new EXTREME SPORT


Did the image grab you?  Did you think, 'what on earth is this woman up to now?'  Come on Anti Gravity Yoga, next in line parachuting?  No not for me, (will leave that to you Dorrie) sadly this post is about underpants.  

I had an awesome afternoon out yesterday, with my blogging girlfriend Laura.  We worked out, we swam, we shaked and we shopped.   In particular, we went to a lingerie shop.  Now this where I need to point out that I have been wearing Hanes Her Way Plus Size underpants almost exclusively.  My underwear drawer is in very sad shape.  I have a collection of granny pants that could be used for parachutes.  Well they could have been used for extreme sports except for the holes in them that render them a safety hazard.  Our dear late Frodo, had a hobby of stealing underwear and eating them.  Trust me these aren't exactly the 'sexy' crotchless underwear.  

I said that I have been wearing Hanes Her Way almost exclusively, well that exception belongs to my GRANNY PANTS.  I literally have Granny Pants.  Yes the waist band, has Marie Deardurf written into the waist band in black sharpie.  Yes, that's right somehow, someway I ended up with my Grandmother's underwear in my drawer.  It's really a logical story.  I was at my Mom's house, one day last year, heading out to a family party in a white skirt and ummm sneezed and peed my pants (that happens to you too right?).  Having only packed one pair of underwear I needed to borrow some, and my mom just happened to have some of these Vogue Shapers Marie Deardurf specials on hand.  Now before you go and judge, let me tell you these were magic underwear!  They were the most comfortable things I have ever worn, and they had magic suck you in powers to boot!  So that's how I ended up with 5 pairs in my drawer at home.  (Yes, I steal underwear from would too if you had tried these on.)

So this is how I found myself in a Lingerie Shop yesterday afternoon, in desperate need of an upgrade into the land of lacy and frilly.  I was like a kid in a candy shop for asses, oohing and ahhing.  Once in the change room though, I am afraid that those oohs and ahhh's turned into ACCKK, OOHHH (the bad kind) and "oh dear Lord no".  It would seem that thongs are not meant for this booty.  But a generous boy short, with some lace and frill is damn right AWESOME.  I wore a pair of my new unders out to the movie store last night, and let's just say my butt felt FINE (as in that cool and sexy).   I would love to have watched the security video in that store as I walked down the isle, I dare to think I may have had just a tad of swagger to my step!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sometimes its not an easy choice

Sometimes its not an easy choice, to tie on my running shoes and head out the door.  I wanted so very much to stay in bed this morning when the clock hit 6:00am, especially since the kids were still asleep.  At the time it seemed very unfair to have to drag myself out of bed to eat breakfast so I would have enough energy come 7am to go for my run.  A run that I was making sure I did early enough to avoid the heat and also to accommodate the family going out on an adventure later in the day.  Ryan and I have a system, where we take turns sleeping in on the weekend, and on holidays.  I have not taken my sleep in day once this summer, I have gotten up early each time to either get out for my long run, or while on holiday to make sure I had time for breaky and coffee before hitting the gym.  Its my choice not to sleep in, no one is placing this on me.  But its not an easy choice.  I want to lay in bed, in warm cozy sleep.  But every time I get out there I am thankful I got out of bed.  Its worth it.  Running 19km this morning was believe it or not quite enjoyable.

Sometimes I don't think I give myself enough credit.  I know I am lucky that as a stay at home mom I can workout during the day.  I know that it would have been a much more difficult road to be lugging my bum out of bed to hit the gym in the early am or after a long day of work.  I know I am lucky to be able to put the kids in the daycare at the gym and get a 'break'.  I understand that I am very lucky that I actually enjoy exercising.  I say these things to other people all the time.  I say these things the same way we handle being given a compliment.  "You look so pretty today"...."oh its the make up, I actually put on make up today."  When people give us a compliment we down play it, we don't take ownership of the good.  I think I down play the work that goes into what I do.  There are many mornings when I don't want to go to the gym, when I don't want to drag the kids there, when I am too sore to go.

When the kids are sick and I can't make it to the gym, I put on an exercise video in the basement and sweat while trying not to break my leg tripping on the kid's toys.  I run when I have a cold, I run when my allergies are so bad that I risk peeing my pants while sneezing,  I go when I don't want to.

I'm not trying to sound like a warrior woman, or looking for a pat on the back (ok maybe just a little star sticker LOL).  I just think that sometimes we spend a lot of our time and energy collecting excuses.  We collect, gather, even horde excuses like rocks and boulders to build a mountain so big we can't bare to climb it.  Here's the thing, it takes so much more effort to build that mountain then to just break through it.  

So I ask this of you tomorrow morning when you wake up,  start a new collection.  Start a collection of accomplishments, you will be amazed at how much easier it is and how damn good it feels.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Trying to let go of my security blanket

My new size 12 jeans...that's 10 sizes smaller than the 22, I was sporting just over a year ago.

I was cleaning out my closet the other day trying to get rid of some of my too big for me clothes.  I have passed on most of my size 20/22 clothes, but still have a few more things that need to be given away.  I also have a sizeable lot of size 18 pants, jeans and tops that need to go.  As well as, a smaller selection of size 16 clothes that are much to big on me now.  I had no trouble bagging up the size 20/22 stuff, I can't imagine going back to that unhealthy girl.  But I couldn't put the size 18, let alone 16 stuff in the bag.  I was scared!  What if I gain the weight back?  I have in the past.  A few years ago I got down to a size 16 and promptly gained the weight back and more a few months later. What if this happens again?  I couldn't get rid of my security blanket so I left the barely filled bag in the closet and shut the door.

A few hours later a friend sent me a very well timed message on Facebook asking what size I was wearing, as she was cleaning out her closet.  This friend, too has lost weight and is living a very healthy lifestyle that has left her with a closet full of clothes that are too big.  Too big for her, but just right for me. We met up for coffee and some girl chat last night, which I thoroughly enjoyed (which is really cool because we have only met in real life once, and our friendship has developed online, got to love Facebook.) I got home after the kids were in bed and went through this giant bag of clothing.  I spent an hour in my room having a fashion show, squealing in delight as I tried on things that I never would have fit in or thought I could a year ago.  I fell in love with a black sweater dress, that makes me feel damn right sexy!  She even gifted me a beautiful event dress that is just a tad small but hopefully will fit by Ryan's Christmas Gala.  I was in heaven and couldn't have felt better about myself.  I can't even begin to thank her for the confidence and 'little kid at Christmas happiness' she gave me in that bag of clothes.

So after my fashion show,  I thought of how good it felt to receive all that clothing and gathered up the rest of my size 18 clothes and added to them donate bag.  But I am still stuck on the 16's.  Its like I need a security blanket of some sort.  My mom told me today that when she quit smoking back when we were kids, that she kept a pack in the house for a whole year as her security blanket.  I think I need one too.  I have no intentions of going back.  I know how good this life feels while truly living it and being healthy.   I want to raise my children to be healthy.  So I can't go back.  BUT...what bumper do I give myself?  What's my security blanket?  What if I injure myself and can't workout will I gain weight (all though I then rationally tell myself that nutrition is just as important)? These are the thoughts I am having.

I am down to a size 12 now, I am happy here.  I can live like this, I am not unhappy at this size (ie.  I am not hungry, I am enjoying myself).  I think I may even with any luck get smaller, the weight is coming off week after week.  I would like very much to get to a weight where I am no longer considered overweight by medical standards.   So is size 14  a buffer, do I throw the size 16 clothes in the bag too.  I remember when I got down to a size 16 and how good it felt.  I think it would be really nice for someone else to wear those jeans and feel good.

So I am saying it here....I am committing myself to this LIFESTYLE...that's right because this is about the rest of my life not some silly diet...and the 16's are going in the bag!

A little fun...I snapped a pic of one of my new to me dresses.  Please ignore the wet hair, no make up, bare feet look. (and thank-you again Jenn)

The tag on this dress actually says a size 10....ok so its a bigger fit and a stretchy material but give a former big girl a break this is pretty exciting!