Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What goes up must come down

We actually did this :) Image source

Having a down day today, which is kind of funny considering I spent the morning literally swinging from the rafters in an Anti Gravity Yoga Class.   I guess what goes up must come down.  I loved the class it was fun, a bit scary, very challenging, and it felt good to let go of the fear and just go for it.  I loved hanging upside down giggling with my friend Laura.   After our swinging adventures we had a picnic with the kids and relaxed a bit.  But by the time I got home I was drained.  I treated myself to a bath, while the kids played and then still feeling tired I convinced them that they should do my hair.  I sat on my bed reading my book while they played ‘hair dresser’ on me.  (I need to do a post one of these days on my lazy parenting ideas, how to relax while the kids play.)  'Hair dresser' lolled me into a sleep and my head started to bob, so I told the kids that if they let Mommy sleep for 20 min I would take them to the park and ACTUALLY push them on the swings.   The nap was ok, as good as napping gets when the kids are crawling on you and you have to wake up to break up a fight.  I have come through on my end and we are at the park now while I type up this post, even pushed the kids on the swings.

The thought of making dinner tonight feels like a mountain of a chore, especially since doing so would involve going to the grocery store.  I feel like I am grocery shopping almost every day.  I want to be lazy and go out for dinner tonight.   Now the trick is to find something ‘healthy’ to eat.   Its days like this, when I am tired, that I just want to throw all this healthy stuff to the wind, eat a plate of carbs, and forget the protein.  But I know that doing so will just make me feel more tired and crappy.  So I will compromise with going out for dinner saving myself the job of making it and will enjoy a healthy meal that someone else has made.  I also a have a feeling that today will be one of those days where I end up in bed at the same time as the kids, oh well.  


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Telling my story: a porcelain hell

**Warning this a very long post, and parts may be disturbing or graphic 


image source

I've been sharing the ups and downs, thankfully mostly ups of the last year and a bit, as I navigate my way to a healthier me.  I have shared the trials of the pouch, and the sweat (lots of sweat) and the missteps here and there.  I have talked about the much larger, unfit version of myself, and briefly the struggles in my youth with an eating disorder.  As the Army Run approaches and (half) of a life long dream comes close to fruition, I have been thinking a lot about the road that has brought me here.  In particular, I have been thinking about how I seem to be healing the last of the bruises from my youth and emerging strong and healthy.  I think its time to share that story and how now at 34 years of age and loosing weight I am keeping free of it's shackles and setting a healthy example for my girls.  I also think that writing and sharing this will be like letting it go for once and for all.

I spent the years from the time I was 16 till about 23 fully emerged in the dark world of bulimia.  I didn't turn to bulimia suddenly, its something that had been creeping up on me slowly.  I can remember being in senior kindergarden swinging on the swings and thinking that I was fat, what child at that age is already thinking she is fat?  I must point out that I was not fat, nor chubby.  I was a healthy child and pretty cute, I might add, with my long pig tails.  In grade 6, I started to get chubby, not out right overweight but chubby and larger than the 'norm'.  My thoughts occasionally went to my weight but for the most part I just had fun playing and being a kid.  Flash forward to grade 8 and the amount of time spent worrying about my weight and thinking that I was fat started to increase significantly.  I remember in particular, running the track, in track and field and thinking that everyone was staring at my thunderous legs in those gawd awful short shorts.  I remember running as fast as I could to get it over with and almost almost beating the girl that always came in first (hi Marta).  Again, when I look back at pictures I don't see a fat girl, I see a fit girl that runs a lot and has muscular legs.  Already, at that young age my body image was distorted.  My first flirt with bulimia came at around this time.  I remember it very well, it was halloween and my friends came over after we had gone trick or treating and I for some reason had it in my head that I should try throwing up the candy.  I did.  It was awful.  I didn't do it again till about the time I was 16, and then I would spend a great deal of time with my head in the toilet. 

My Porcelain Hell

Welcome to my porcelain hell.  I am now about 16 years old and dating the guy that is now my husband.   My husband has literally been with me through this entire journey, through thick and thin.  I am 16 and going through the typical teenage strifes of trying to fit in, falling in love, and all that ever so fun stuff.  I decide to go on a diet and to loose weight, again I wasn't 'fat' but a little on the chubby side.  I don't know how I lost the weight as I didn't really know what a diet was.  I think I just started eating less and had success.  As I lost weight people noticed, they complimented me, and this shy (yes I was shy back then) girl started to gain confidence.  Loosing weight, being thin, is a powerful thing.  We are assaulted with messages and images that tell us that this thinness is what we should stive fore and in the midst of its shiny promise you can loose yourself.  I lost myself.  I also couldn't maintain the weight loss, I couldn't keep eating less, I was hungry.  I was hungry for so much more than food.  That's when I befriended bulimia, and fell down the deep dark hole of binging and purging.  I became an addict.  Food was my drug.  I can't even begin to describe how much my thoughts were dominated by food, how and when to throw it up, and getting thinner.  When I got stressed and lets face it being a teenager is stressful (needing to be a 'perfect' student, the 'perfect' daughter, 'perfect' girlfriend...etc), I would turn to food.  It went like this: enter stress, anxiety rises, binge and feeling of numbness comes on, binge is over and anxiety and panic spike, purge and feeling of calm washes over again.  It was a vicious cycle that became harder and harder to break, and yes every-time I flushed the toilet I did promise myself that this was the last time.  No bulimic, wants to be bulimic.  In my disordered brain I thought of bulimia as failure, anorexia was the prize.  An anorexic was strong and the bulimic weak.  Just writing that, I am cringing and my eyes are welling up with tears.  I am horrified by the truth that I lived.

Excerpt from my high school diary
I feel as if the walls surrounding me have collapsed, pulling me under.  I sit on the bathroom floor, my chest pounding, my hand covered in saliva, my knuckles bleeding.  My heart flutters wildly, terrified that someone has heard me, or worse yet that I did not mangage to heave up all the bad food.  I flush the toilet  washing away all the hurt and pain.  With it I  feel a release, cleansed, and pure now.  I feel as though I can start over, that I will be GOOD now.  I promise myself, as I have many times before that this was the last time.  No more eating.  I pull my tired body from the floor.  A wave of dizziness passes over me. I begin washing may hands, face, and teeth.  Wiping away the remains of guilt from the toilet seat, my stomach turns at the thought of what has just taken place.   I spin around in determination, that it will not happen again, and just to prove it I lift up my shirt and gaze into the mirror.  Looking for the familiar,  reassuring outline of my rib cage and indent of my stomach.  In an attempt to forget and push the remains of the guilt from my mind I open the bathroom door and enter the hallway.  My ears are alert, all is quiet, and with a sense of relief I go downstairs and change into my running clothes.  Pulling my hair back into a pony tail, I can smell the remains of puke on my hands.  A smell that only I can distinguish.  Its as if it remains there as yet another horrifying reminder of my weakness.  I try to push the weakness deep within myself, concentrating on building the walls around me.  I walk out the door more determined then ever as I pound down the street to complete my first set of two miles.  I used to be able to run all six together but now I find myself becoming weaker, and dizzier quicker than usual.  Running is my escape.  I feel strong and free.  It's almost euphoric! Unfortunately, it is a utopia that does  not last forever....


I have to admit I really struggled with sharing that piece from my diary.  But I think it paints a very real picture of the mind of a young girl in the throws of bulimia.  Like a drug addict I did things that I was not proud of.   I lied, I hurt my family,my loved ones, the least of my offenses was throwing up in a bucket in my closet to hide the sound.  In my last year of high-school I started treatment seeing a Dr. in Peterbrough and a psychologist in Lindsay.  I have say that it was not very helpful.  I think know what pulled me out of it in the end was my family with their love and support.  My mom in particular fought really hard to pull me out of that dark hole. I spent my last year of highschool slightly 'heavier' and a lot healthier with very few episodes of binging and purging.  I entered University the following year doing well, and continued to stay 'healthy' that first year.  I even started volunteering for the Anorexia and Bulimia Association (ANAB), doing public education and speaking to young girls in schools, and helping to run some support groups.   But that summer heading into 2nd year I started dieting again and by the time I was back at school was far gone down the porcelain hole.  Something I haven't mentioned yet, is that my best friend was anorexic.  I lived with her for 4 years during university, just the two of us in an apartment.  Our 'world' was a very disordered one.  I have no doubt that we influenced one another and further dragged one another down.   I still remember the day I moved to Ottawa, to live with Ryan and how free I felt.  I am not blaming her, I have as much blame to shoulder.  We were both sick girls.  Very sick girls.  That second year of university was very hard, I wonder how I managed to study and do well in school.  The worst part was that I was still volunteering for ANAB and hiding my relapse from them.  I was really good at helping other young girls, and failing miserably at helping myself.  It was also this year that tragedy struck my home town, when a young girl I grew up with died from Bulimia.  I won't go into that story, but think that its important to mention how much it rocked me to my core.  I felt a great deal of guilt over her death having known that she was ill, and feeling like I didn't 'help' her as much as I should have.  It also scared me to see just how serious Bulimia was.  I went into a deep depression then and started seeing a Psychiatrist that specialized in eating disorders.  It was then that I started to really get some help.  My struggle carried into my third year but things were looking up.  I wasn't binging and purging multiple times a day any longer, it was happening a few times a week.  I was trying really hard at this point to finally put this behind me and get healthy and live life.  By my fourth year of university I was doing really well, but also had gained a lot of weight.  I was at my highest weight at a size 16.  Considering that my lowest weight had me at size 4 it was a big gain.  I was literally learning how to eat again that year.  I had forgotten how normal people eat.  I would sit down with a muffin and panic thinking this was my last muffin eating opportunity (because I had never allowed myself that food without a consequence)  and would proceed to eat 5 or 6 of them.  You can see how the weight packed on quickly and it was a struggle to accept my increasing size.  Graduation had me leaving Kingston and moving to Ottawa to move in with Ryan (somehow we survived a 4 year long, long distance relationship.)  Moving to Ottawa brought a whole new set of stressors, I was no longer being supported by my parents (I was very very lucky to have them pay for university, my rent, my food, everything really), I needed to find work, and I needed to use my fancy degree and start a career.  You can likely guess what happened, I started loosing weight, feeling more confident,  and more in control of my circumstances but that didn't last long.  Soon the weight loss turned into full blown bulimia again and I headed very quickly down the dark hole.  I don't know how to describe the DEATH GRIP this disease has on you.  How 90% of my thoughts were very much consumed by what to eat, how much to eat, how much I weighed, how and when to binge and purge, not to mention the guilt and shame that crushed me.    I hit two lows in that last bout with Bulimia.  I went away to work in Fredericton, and had a hotel suite to   myself for a month.  I had complete freedom to binge and purge as much as I wanted without anyone knowing.  I think during that month the majority of what I ate came back up, very little stayed down.  I reached my lowest adult weight...and woke up on the bathroom floor with blood on my fingers from throwing up.  The second low was the one that turned the corner for me...it was Ryan.  It was Ryan banging on the bathroom door begging me stop. It was Ryan who I have been with since I was 16 years old telling me that he couldn't marry me if this is was what life was going to be like.  It was then that I realized that I was missing out on all the good things in life.  That what was important was on the other side of the bathroom door.  I started seeing a therapist that really helped me win the battle for once and for all.  She was a behavioural psychologist and helped give me tools to break the cycle and develop healthy coping mechanisms.  I think I was 23 when I started to finally break free.  I gained weight.  I gained weight very quickly. But I was FREE.  My mind was so light and free from the obsession.  I married Ryan dressed in a wedding dress with wings....for real :)  Life truly has been a blessing since that day.  I have been happier over the last 10 years, even at a size 22, than I ever was at a size 4.  

So over this past year and a bit as I have lost weight, its has been like my body is catching up to my mind.  My mind and spirit have been happy and healthy over the last years, but my body was not.  As happy and confident as I felt, I wasn't physically healthy at 258 pounds.  I think also in some ways I was still hanging on to some of the eating disorder.  I ate to numb myself when I was stressed, I just didn't purge.  I ate when I wasn't hungry.  I ate when I was bored.  I refused to admit that I needed to change my eating habits.  I was hanging on to little bits of unhealthy.  
So here I am loosing weight once again, feeling more confident and better about myself.  How do I stay healthy and free from the dark days?  For one, having written this post, I have felt all those old emotions peak up to the surface.  I have felt the WEIGHT of the obsession, the shame and the guilt again.  I don't ever want to feel those things again.  I am living a blessed life and I don't want to jeopardize that.  Just thinking back to what I put Ryan through and thought of ever doing that to my children scares me.  Most of all I think the fear of my girls ever going through anything like that is motivation enough to make sure that I stay healthy and teach them how to love their bodies and selves.  
Yet loosing weight is shiny, and I have already seen that it can make me a little crazy.  A month ago, I let myself get a little too rigid and was cranky and unhappy.  I am very thankful that I was able to see it (even if I was a little slower than I would have liked, Ryan saw it happening before I was willing to admit it, damn he knows me to well) and set myself straight.  This is a very emotional and somewhat precarious path for me.  I think if you've followed this very long post this far, you will understand that.  So I have come up with these 'truths' that I am going to take to heart and use them as my lighthouse on this journey.  

1.  My children are a mirror of myself.  I don't ever want to see them stepping on scale to determine their self worth.  I don't want to ever hear them say they are fat.  I don't want to hear them talking about diets or bad food.  
2.  This is the body I will live the rest of my life in.  I will raise my children in this body, I will see them married in this body, I will grow old with Ryan in this body...I will run a half marathon in this body.  I need to take care of this body.  I need to be fit and strong.  I need to be rested.  I need to fuel this body.  I need to be kind to this body.  I need to love this body (pouch, flags, big beautiful boobs and all).  
3. Life is to be lived.  I used to not do things because I was too big, too embarrassed by my size.  My children see that too.  

I'm stealing the last one from Dr. Freedhoff:
4. Your best weight is whatever weight you reach, when you’re living the healthiest life you actually enjoy

If you read this to the end thank-you.  Those of you that have read this are likely the same amazing people that have encouraged me, held me up, and made me smile day after day.  I am blessed to have an incredible support network of friends, online friends, blog friends, flesh and blood friends...FRIENDS :) thank-you.  

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Heading out the door

Heading out the door tonight to go do the practical exam portion of the personal training certification I caught a glance of myself in the mirror.  I have to tell you that I 'looked' a lot different than the girl that wrote this post, 3 months ago.  Not only do I physically 'look' different but I have a lot more confidence in what I am doing then I did after taking that first class.
Tonight I sit here blogging with my decaf, skinny vanilla latte knowing that I just passed my exam.  Where as 3 months ago I sat here blogging with a bowl of M&M's wondering what on earth I was thinking taking the personal training course.  I felt fat, old, and totally inexperienced.  Tonight I feel fit and strong, still old (but wise) and a lot more experienced.  I feel like I KNOW the woman struggling with her weight, struggling to find the 'click' and that I can help that woman.  I am excited.  How on earth am I going to sleep?  Good thing I got a decaf.   

Saturday, August 20, 2011

17.6km...can't freaking believe it

Taken just after my run, not to sweaty surprisingly I think talking to the Jehova witnesses outside my door cooled me down LOL.

I DID IT...longest run yet 17.6 km in 2 hours 29min (about that my phone died, so I went with time on the microwave when I left the house).  I have to tell you I was really nervous this morning before I left.  I had the butterflies eating my breakfast and getting ready to go almost as bad as on a race day.  I was worried that my knee would hurt, and would have to stop because of that.  I hit the road and for the first 10 min my mind was on my knee analyzing every feeling and acting paranoid.  My knee felt fine, my muscles were still a little tight but I felt like if I started slow and got into the groove I would loosen up.  I finally clued into the fact that I was making myself crazy, and just let go and settled in to enjoy the run.  I had done all that I could, I felt fine all day Friday, I rested, I stretched, I was good to go.  If I felt pain I would stop but until then just go slow and enjoy it.

I did enjoy it, it felt good.  I really do love running.  I even took the long route out on Woodroffe on the bike path, now that I am all geared up with larger water bottles, Gatorade, and my running jelly beans.  It felt so good to be off the treadmill and actually moving outdoors.  It was cool out and a breeze kept me cool.  About 40 min in, I got my jelly beans out (I can't tell you how excited I was to much on jelly beans! LOL)  and snacked away.  In my mind if you could have seen me eating them it would of looked like me pulling a giant pack of 'FANCY FUEL' out and CHEWING REALLY LOUDLY on them so anyone walking, biking, running by me would see how 'COOL' I was and that I must be running really far!  LOL  Sometimes, I think I should make a t-shirt that says 'Going for...blank distance' so maybe I could get some people cheering me on.  But all silliness aside, I am really lucky and do have a big cheerleading squad behind me.  This morning I was totally, lifted up by my friends on Facebook with their well wishes for a good run.  I can't express my gratitude enough, every blog comment, FB message that you guys send me, adds  fuel to my fire and pushes me further.  I am really blessed to have such great friends.  Thank-you guys!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Practice

Today I did something kind of cool, I got to practice being a personal trainer on a Personal Trainer at the gym!  I've talked about it before, but it bares mentioning again, the personal trainer's at my gym are incredibly approachable, friendly and HELPFUL.  The lady that helped me today has been like my personal cheerleader.  It all started about 60 pounds ago when she gave me the high five after seeing me run one day.  That little bit of encouragement that day left me flying for days.  Since then I have taken a nutrion seminar with her, she has leant me books, answered questions, and yes even let me practice on her. I am truly astonished by how much of her own time she has given to me.  I appreciate it more than I can say. So today, was really cool and also a little scary.  I learned A LOT from her in the hour we spent together, enough to make me a little nervous as to whether I am ready for this.  I left fired up and ready to learn more.  I think that's one of things that is most exciting about pursuing the personal training, that its going to be an on going education, with courses and seminars and life experience.

So let me leave you with this today, if your looking for someone to help you with your fitness goals, someone that has just the right touch of that 'Jillian' toughness (that I love), and yet is approachable and puts you at ease. Go see Amanda at the Barhaven Goodlife Fitness above Loblaws.  You won't be disappointed!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Made a plan, stuck with it, going to make a dream come true


About 4.5 months ago, I got on the body fat scale and got quite the shock when I found out my body fat percent was 44% and that was after loosing 48 pounds and almost a year of working out 5 days a week.  I was in tears, wondering what on earth it was going to take to get 'healthy'.  Lucky, for me I met a very supportive and helpful personal trainer.  A woman that helped set the wheels in motion, not only for me to get in the best shape of my life but also to become a personal trainer myself.  Thank-you Sabrina!  A month later I was sitting in the Goodlife Personal training course, and have since passed the written exam and will fingers crossed pass the practical exam next week.  In the past 4.5 months I have been making some big changes to my fitness regime, mostly in the form of weight training and also in my nutrition.  I have taken what I have learned in the personal training course and have been applying it to myself.  So come on a tour if you will :)

The journey to loose 48 pounds, mostly cardio (running and spinning) and some diet changes.  

44% body fat, 210 pounds, can run 15km, can't do pushups from toes

I think the round green thing to the left is my boob LOL
In June I hit a huge milestone of getting under 200 pounds for the first time in 10 years.

OFFICIALLY from katie squires on Vimeo.


June 2011, under the 200 mark finally at 199lbs, doing push ups from toes (50% range of motion) 
August 16, 2011 184 pounds, 38% body fat (lost 6%), able to do full range of motion push ups from toes, longest distance 16km, STRONGER AND FITTER than I have ever been in MY WHOLE LIFE! 
The dreaded pouch is shrinking!  
On the way to my sisters wedding I had an amazing talk with my mom (ok not really a talk as it was mostly me blabbering and my mom supportively listening) about what I want to do with my personal training certification once its official.  I have a dream and that's to help other mom's like myself gain back the confidence to look in the mirror and feel pretty, to help them have the energy to chase after their children and juggle their busy lives, to have them make a personal dream come true (like running a half marathon, or dancing, or having the confidence to take an acting class...what ever it is).  I want to kick the self loathing that we all seem to lug around, and banish it to the curb!  I want to get mom's to come together and show their daughters what it is like to really be a WOMAN, strong, fit, sexy and confident.      I have some ideas, some of them a little whacky just like you would expect from me!  So stay tuned because I'm about to get our jiggly bits shaking!  

Monday, August 15, 2011

4 weeks to go

Looking at the calendar this morning and the butterflies are stirring in my tummy.  There are 4 weekends left before the Army Run!  FOUR!  This past weekend I went out of town for my sisters wedding and planned accordingly by doing my long run the Friday morning before we left.  I ran 15km, 3 laps of a 5km route in the neighborhood.  I didn't plan as well as I would of liked for it.  I got out of bed at 6am, drank a protein smoothie and headed out the door 45min later.  I went with only my fuel belt and the four little water bottles it holds.  Luckily it wasn't hot out and I didn't even finish all of that water.  I had meant to buy fuel gels or at least some sports drink the day before, but last minute wedding errands got in the way.   I had a good run, but definitely felt sluggish in the last 5km.  I would really like to feel what its like to run with the extra fuel source.  So this week I will go by the running room and stock up on essentials including the salt tablets that my friend recommended.
So the running plan this week is to put in 8km at a good clip today, strength Tuesday, 10km with hills on Wed, Thursday strength and a short run 4-5km, Fri YOGA, and a long slow run of 16-17km Sat.  Oh and number one on the list, is to stay injury free.  Listening to my body, resting, fueling, and stretching, are all number one right now.
Will be running off all the wedding cannolis I ate this week LOL!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Update

I am sipping the drags of my morning coffee while the kids make birthday cards and I feel like blogging.  I thought it would be good to post an update of sorts as to how I am feeling and where my head is.  I am very happy to report that my lung issue has cleared up and I am back in the game.  I had a good run yesterday.  I did 8km on the treadmill, on the classic hill program level 3 (not as hilly as usual as I am easing back in).  The first 20 min was a bit of a struggle, I didn't seem to have the same energy/endurance that I normally do.  The next 20 min were bliss, I had the running high and felt fluid.  Then the gas tank hit empty and I struggled to the end.  It would seem I have lost a bit of umpph while being sick, but I don't think it will take long to get it back.  I am going away this weekend for my sister's wedding so my plan is to put that dreaded long run in Friday morning before we leave.  I am packing my runners and will do a short run in my old stomping grounds Sat morning.  I haven't run in Kingston since I was in university!
In other news, I posted a while ago that I had started using My Fitness Pal to track my nutrition and exercise.  I also posted that 3 days or so into and I was headed to crazy ville.  I stopped using the program and went with eating what felt right and watching my portions.  I was weighing myself once a week and was  doing well.  Then I went away for my sisters bachlerette, and ate too much and drank to much and gained 3 pounds.  That gain had me trying My Fitness Pal again to get back on track.  My plan was to track for a few days and then go back to flying blind.  That's when I surprised myself with staying in SANE VILLE.  I think my 'come to Jesus moment' a few weeks ago set my mindset straight and I am feeling healthy and sane on all fronts.  I have found the tool really helpful, I have made sure I have gotten enough protein each day, as well as calories to support the activity I am doing.  Its also helped me stay in moderation while going out to restaurants.   I think the key for me is that my MIND needs to be in a healthy place, one of moderation and self love.  As I said we are headed for my sister's wedding this coming weekend and I plan on indulging and enjoying myself and not stressing about it.  I will balance the indulgence with my run Sat morning and a nice stretch and rest Sunday.
Lastly, there are 4 weekends left before the half marathon!  2 weeks prior to the race I will do a 19km run, the idea being that if I can run 19 I can run 21 two weeks later.  The weekend before the race I will 'taper' down and do a light run.  The timing is perfect as we will be in Niagara on the Lake that weekend, the perfect place to enjoy a nice light run.  I have the butterflies, just thinking about the 18th...of 21 kms...can I do this?  Am I ready?  No matter what I am going to go for it, that much I do know!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Doing my best to listen....

Well my long run was shelved completely this weekend.  The vice in my chest returned with a vengeance and I took TWO DAYS OFF.  It was really hard to take those two days off (especially given that I had taken Monday off too), says the girl that was back running 2 days after 26 stitches, and ran with 2nd degree burns on her leg rubbing against her shorts, and runs through allergies and colds.  I have had a no excuses kind of attitude on this running thing, afraid that if I stop and let the excuses take hold I won't get back on track.  But I am also just as afraid of hurting myself and not making my dream of those 21km on Sept 18th come to fruition.  So I listend to my body (ok really I was listening to my mother) and I rested.  Not only did I rest, but I ate, I ate a little more than normal, and enjoyed a lovely dinner Sunday night.  I also slept, I went to bed early and I napped.  All this to say that when I awoke this morning I felt much improved and without any pain when breathing.  I felt well enough to run.  So this morning I hit the treadmill with the intention of putting in an hour, and going as slow as I needed to go.  I went slow, I am pretty sure I would not have passed that turtle today, and I even stopped and walked a few times.  I wasn't sick enough not to run but I wasn't comfortable by any means.  But I did it.  Sometimes, I do think we need to push through, its part of what makes us stronger.  Once the run was over I felt fine.  But I did exit the gym and walk straight across the hall to my Dr's office and book an appointment for Tuesday.  I don't want to wait this out, if antibiotics or something are needed to get better quicker I am not waiting.  So the point of my ramble this morning, is that despite my whining about my lack of running and feeling poorly I do have good news.  I got on the scale this morning and I have maintained last weeks 5lb weight loss.  I have lost 72lbs!  Taking 3 days off last week, and even indulging a bit didn't send me packing on the pounds.   Getting on the scale and seeing that made me breathe easier, I can relax, taking time off and listening to my body really is the right thing to do.  I may be a slow learner but I am learning, wink.

I took this pic last Friday, heading out for some fun with friends, I love these jeans, they make me feel GOOD :) LOL

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I blame it on...

The Long Slow Run has been postponed till Sunday...I blame it on Stephanie, Mellisa, Heather and Natasha for keeping this old fart out way past her bed time.  Not only is it delayed but I am going to take the day off and rest, listening to my body today.  Thank-you for all of your crazy company last night girls, YOU ROCK!

Friday, August 5, 2011

The plan

Tomorrow is the much anticipated and dreaded long slow run day.  I have to say that all though I have worked out hard this week (6 workouts and its only Friday) I haven't racked up much in terms of milage.  In fact I have only gotten 10km in all week.  I just haven't been in the running mood this week, other than a very fun 5km run Tuesday with my friend Jenn.  I'm ok with that, I really mixed things up this week and had fun.  I did a great circuit Tuesday, an awesome outdoor fitness class Wednesday, and a very challenging Hot Yoga class today.  But tomorrow is the day...the long slow run.  Last week I reached my longest distance of 16km but I did so on the comfort of the treadmill.  So this week I need a plan.  I put a post on Facebook to get some tips from my fellow long distance running friends and got some great ideas on stashing water bottles on route, taking an energy drink in my fuel belt, and even using salt tabs (which I haven't purchased yet but intend on doing).  So here's the plan, its a half way plan, one that allows me to bail along the way if need be.  You see to further complicate things I got sick yesterday.  I spent the day yesterday struggling to breathe, feeling like a vice was tightening around my chest when I breathed deeply.  (I've had a minor cold all week) I thought I had just pulled muscles in my chest and upper back lifting weights, but a visit to the Dr. last night revealed constricted lungs and wheezing.  I got some inhalers (which I use fairly regularly in the winter due to mild asthma) and by some miracle awoke this morning feeling fine!  I am breathing today without any difficulty.  But I did struggle in yoga today and didn't have near the stamina and strength I usually have. So my plan tomorrow is to run the 5km route from my house and lap 3 times, giving me 15km if I complete it.  On each lap I can refuel with water, when my fuel belt runs out.  The beauty is I can run as far as it feels good.  I am going to say it here, so you can hold me to it.  I AM GOING TO LISTEN TO MY BODY TOMORROW.  If I can can only run 5km so be it.  If its more great.  That's right Mom :)  

And for fun I took a pic of myself..LOL...going out tonight and I did my hair on my own for the first time since I got it cut...not to bad...eh.  Like the cut above my eye, I think it gives me that BAD ASS look....kind of like it. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

New Beginnings


Ryan's parents passed away a few years ago and the family cottage has been passed down onto Ryan and his sister.  The cottage hasn't been inhabited by anyone but mice for 5 years, given that his Mom was in treatment for Cancer prior to passing away, no one was up for cottage time.  Fate can be cruel and less then a year after Ryan's mom passed away from Cancer, his Father also died due to complications from Cancer.  Boom your parents are gone.  Not to long after that, Cancer raised its ugly head again and Ryan's sister was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I am happy to say that there is at least one happy ending to this sad story and that is that Ryan's sister has kicked cancer's ugly ass and is back to her red headed troublesome (wink) self.  
So now 5 years later we have gone back to the cottage to assess the 'damage' and clean it out.  We spent this past Sunday gutting the inside of the cottage.  We had a huge dumpster, that we thought we would never fill, and well you guessed it we had it over flowing.  We dumped everything, the beds, mattreses, furniture, bedding, literally everything.  Almost every surface was covered in a layer of mice poop.  Oh the smell, it was horrendous.  There were live mice still scurrying about, which provided much entertainment when Ryan's sister would start screaming and running out of the cottage.  I won't lie it was an awful job, I have never been so sweaty, dirty and grossed out in my life BUT we had fun.  We banded together as a family and got it done with humour and antics galore.  It felt good and so did the jump in the lake after.  Never has the lake felt so crisp and CLEAN. 

After we filled the dumpster we sat down for a much deserved beer break and started to talk.  We talked about taking down the cottage all together (there isn't much left to save) and building a new one.  We started to picture this next generation of Squires' holding thanksgiving on the lake, spending the summers having 'Wing Dings' and getting into shenanigan's with the crazy neighbors.  This is a new beginning for us in so many ways and one that I am very excited about.   So Thanksgiving 2012, the plan is to be carving the turkey in the new cottage and devouring Pat's famous stuffing.  


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A collection of sorts

My little cut above the eye...OOPS
It would seem that I have started a little collection of sorts, a collection of dumb ass injuries!  It was only two weeks ago that I posted about slipping during a plank and hurting my shoulder.  That one at least was a more 'athletic' type of injury.  Tonight not so athletic in nature, although I was getting ready for a fitness class.  I was out at the car getting my water bottle and somehow when opening the door stuck my head in the way!  BANG!  SOME SWEAR WORDS.  It hurt like hell but I thought it was just a head bump until I felt something dripping.  Oh dear, off to the house and a mirror to find a cut above my eye.  I panicked a bit at first and thought that maybe I might need stitches.  Funny thing is I was less worried about needing stitches then I was about potentially missing out on the class that we were leaving for in a few minutes. The bleeding stopped so I slapped on a bandaid and off we went.  I mean really, how did my head get in the way of the door?  I think its because we have a car now instead of a van and its lower and I am not used to the height difference.  Yeah that must be it.  But it doesn't end there, last night I was getting ready to go out for a run with a friend and I banged my foot really hard on our class table.  (I feel the need to mention that this is the same glass table I stood on a year ago and shortly after received 26 stitches).  Oh man it hurt.  5 min before a run and my foot is throbbing.  It still feels weird today.  Best part is I am always laughing at our dog for running into the glass table.  I guess I am not any smarter after all.  Have I mentioned the big scar on my leg from dropping hot tea on myself within the last year and getting 2nd degree burns?  I am truly a collection dumb-ass injuries!
I worry, I really do, about getting hurt.  I worry about knee injuries, pulled muscles, strains, things that could bench me before the big half marathon.  I do, I think about these things often.  But it would seem that what I should be worried about is that large immobile object looming in front of me that I am about to slam into!  Yes, as a friend mentioned, I may need to start wearing pillows and a helmet.