Thursday, July 21, 2011

Wrestling

I have really wrestled with writing this blog post and in the end decided to do it anyway because when I started this blog I wanted it to be a place of therapy for me (a place to write and share), a place of truth (a real story, of a real girl struggling to find her way), and a place of inspiration.

I had a bad day today.  I did something stupid.  I stopped listening to my body.  I woke up not feeling well and while driving the kids to camp felt light headed and wobbly.  My legs actually felt like Jelly.  Instead of deciding to take the day off, I went to the gym anyway and did a pump class.  I even thought about taking it easy.  I thought about using lighter weights, but I didn't.  At the end of the class I was tired mentally and muscles fatigued, and during a side plank slipped and popped my shoulder.  I have been beating myself up about it all day (while icing and heating the injury).

But its about more than that.  I haven't been myself of late.  5 days ago I joined a fitness site where you track your calories and what you eat and what you burn.  Its a great site and tool for someone that doesn't have my mindset.  When I started this journey I told myself I would never count calories again.  That it was too much like the restrictive disordered habits of my past and yet here I have been logging every bite I eat into this site and thinking about whether or not I should eat that 'fishy'.  Its preoccupied my time and thoughts and made me feel awful.  I can't blame it on the site, I have been feeling this way for about a month or so.  As more weight comes off, the 'lure' get's real shiny.  It becomes easy to get 'obessessive' in my thoughts and behaviour.

I have enjoyed this past year of getting fit and HEALTHY.  I have loved almost every moment of it.  I have found my passion and have even gone and started working on my personal training certification so I can help other women.  I want to inspire other women to move and achieve things they never thought they could.  I want to PUMP them up with self-esteem and confidence.  I want to emulate that in myself. I do not want other women consumed by what it is they ate that day or what they are allowed to eat.  I don't want them feeling grouchy and irritable and ignoring their bodies.  I don't want to teach other women to do what I have the past week.  I know this is an extreme and that for many people 'watching what they eat  works for them'.  But it obviously doesn't for me.  Its quite frankly 'dangerous' territory.

I don't ever want to be this girl again...
nor do I want to be this girl...
I want to be me.
The best me I can be.
Strong and Healthy.
Sane.
I want to be present and engaged with my loved ones.
I want to honor myself and the gifts I have been given.

6 comments:

  1. You are incredible, Katie. So in tune with yourself. You've grown so much during the course of your journey. Good for you for writing and posting this. Thank you for keeping it real. xo

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  2. KAtie, I know that girl, and I like this one so much... you are an inspiration and if only we chatted about this in high school when I was that girl too. Hugs, and you ARE strong and oh so beautiful.

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  3. Loved reading this Katie. Wrestling is something I've been doing a lot lately too. Not wanting to live a crazy restrictive lifestyle and yet wishing for the results of such an approach.

    It's all about balance and peace. xo.

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  4. Hang in there Katie. You are still navigating your way through healthy living and you have done an amazing job so far. Keep doing what you were doing a couple weeks ago - make healthier choices and find a balance between protein, veggies and chocolate ;) Anyone who can burn over 1100 calories in ONE DAY can allow herself MUCH MORE freedom in the food department. You are stronger than you think you are. Do not let your demons creep back in your mind - As you said, you are a different person now. Write your own future (and keep me in it!).

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  5. BRUTAL TRUTH, BEAUTIFUL POST!

    R
    XOOX

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  6. Hi Katie,

    I read this post when you linked it on FB, and I still can't find the right words (wrestling a bit too, I guess). There's so much that I can identify with in your post, even though it sounds like our respective journeys have been rather different. But it sounds like you have come a long way, and I can tell you, I haven't been here long, but I'm already finding this a place of inspiration :).

    Take care, I know you'll find the balance you're looking for.

    Sasha

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