I have really wrestled with writing this blog post and in the end decided to do it anyway because when I started this blog I wanted it to be a place of therapy for me (a place to write and share), a place of truth (a real story, of a real girl struggling to find her way), and a place of inspiration.
I had a bad day today. I did something stupid. I stopped listening to my body. I woke up not feeling well and while driving the kids to camp felt light headed and wobbly. My legs actually felt like Jelly. Instead of deciding to take the day off, I went to the gym anyway and did a pump class. I even thought about taking it easy. I thought about using lighter weights, but I didn't. At the end of the class I was tired mentally and muscles fatigued, and during a side plank slipped and popped my shoulder. I have been beating myself up about it all day (while icing and heating the injury).
But its about more than that. I haven't been myself of late. 5 days ago I joined a fitness site where you track your calories and what you eat and what you burn. Its a great site and tool for someone that doesn't have my mindset. When I started this journey I told myself I would never count calories again. That it was too much like the restrictive disordered habits of my past and yet here I have been logging every bite I eat into this site and thinking about whether or not I should eat that 'fishy'. Its preoccupied my time and thoughts and made me feel awful. I can't blame it on the site, I have been feeling this way for about a month or so. As more weight comes off, the 'lure' get's real shiny. It becomes easy to get 'obessessive' in my thoughts and behaviour.
I have enjoyed this past year of getting fit and HEALTHY. I have loved almost every moment of it. I have found my passion and have even gone and started working on my personal training certification so I can help other women. I want to inspire other women to move and achieve things they never thought they could. I want to PUMP them up with self-esteem and confidence. I want to emulate that in myself. I do not want other women consumed by what it is they ate that day or what they are allowed to eat. I don't want them feeling grouchy and irritable and ignoring their bodies. I don't want to teach other women to do what I have the past week. I know this is an extreme and that for many people 'watching what they eat works for them'. But it obviously doesn't for me. Its quite frankly 'dangerous' territory.
I don't ever want to be this girl again...
The best me I can be.
Strong and Healthy.
I want to be present and engaged with my loved ones.
I want to honor myself and the gifts I have been given.