Thursday, June 30, 2011

Oh Katie....

I did a funny on myself today.  I was at the gym before group class started and I decided it would be a good idea to get on the scale and have a lookie at how these food changes have panned out on the scale.  So I get on the old school, Dr. like scale where you slide the weights across type of scale.  I no longer have to swing the old 200 pounder over first!  So I thought I had swung the 150 over (nope it was the 250) So I then swing the small weight all the way over to end and no movement, good....I start clicking back and what's this still no movement?  I click back one more...and in my mind I am thinking...."Holy Crap I rock...I am a lean green smoothie drinking, berry eating, machine!" I click back eyes are going wide..."Damn I am really kicking ass here".  Then I realize my mistake. LOL.  Talk about downer!  I think its hilarious though how my inner dialogue went and even though I hadn't lost 7 pounds like I thought I did, I still felt pretty awesome (2 pounds is still awesome in my book).

I am feeling really good.  My morning breakfast routine has given me more energy in my workouts.  I no longer leave the gym in the morning feeling ravenous and stuffing almonds down the shoot like a mad woman.  I am snacking less in the afternoon too.  I still had a chocolate fix this week but I got a small LINDT dark chocolate bar and savoured it, instead of mindlessly inhaling a bag of MM's.

Today I did a pump class after a 6 month or so hiatus and I have to say I was really proud of how far I have come strength wise.   It felt good to see that what I am doing on my own is working.  I was able to do the push ups from my toes, do all the dips, and lift more weight in the chest, biceps and shoulder tracks than before.  I went easy on the squats and lunges not wanting to hurt my knee since its been weird.  And I still had trouble in the triceps track with the bar because of my elbow so I modified it a bit.  I truly felt much stronger than ever before.  I also really loved doing the class, and realized how much I miss working out in the group exercise form.  So I think Pump will get mixed into my routine more often.

Today is the first evening of our 2 week family vacation.  Ryan is BBQing some delicious chicken kabobs with my favorite Harloom cheese on it.  I have a lovely angel food, berries, and whip cream dessert ready.  Oh did I mention I also have some nice spicy Caesars mixed?  Tomorrow we are spending Canada Day with our good friends and Ryan is making is famous ribs....I think PUMP will definitely be needed next week :) LOL

Friday, June 24, 2011

Food: making changes

I took a free nutrition seminar at the gym tonight it was really good and I left with a few AHA moments.  Part of the seminar was a tour of the grocery store.  I have been trying to shop differently this past month.  I am doing my best to shop from the perimeter of the store where the fresh foods are and to avoid the inner isles (where the processed food is).  I go in there for things on my list like cereal (yikes that was a AHA moment more on that later), olive oil, etc.  But I no longer browse the inner isles picking up packaged processed snacks and food on the whim.  There is a down side, I seem to be going to the grocery store 3-4 times a week now, as we are running out of fresh food quickly.  I am either not buying enough or we are doing really well eating it all.  Luckily, the gym is in the grocery store and its not an extra trip.  I have been making changes slowly to the way we eat.  We are eating more fresh fruit and vegetables, lean meats, vegetarian dishes, healthy fats, and 'thinking' about what we put in our mouths.

So I thought it would be fun to share with you some of my AHA moments from tonights class.

1. CEREAL!  We looked at the nutrition labels on cereal...YIKES...first of all the serving size is really small, so the serving I actually eat is more like 2.5 servings.  Most of the cereals (ie. cornpops, frootloops, rice crispies...) are really high in sodium! SODIUM! for breakfast?  Under the carb section they list grams of sugar and they also list grams of starch..which once your salvia hits it essentially turns it into SUGAR.  So that 9 grams of sugar and 9 grams of starch is really 18 grams of sugar.  My kids eat Corn Pops or Honey Nut Cheerios every morning!  Not the healthiest choice by far.  It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that this is not the way I should be starting their day out.  (but its easy, they eat it, and  did I mention its easy?)  So I browsed the cereals tonight found a puffed rice by Kashi with no sodium and decent stats and am going to try and get them to eat that.  The good news is the kids are talking a lot about healthy eating and getting their food groups so maybe they will be receptive to this if we make it a 'lesson'.  But even if they do eat the cereal, that alone isn't enough...we need to add milk, and some fruit. My other AHA moment in reference to cereal is that I eat a bowl (a large bowl) almost every night!  Much of the time I will say I am truly hungry but I also eat it because its comforting and part of my sleep ritual.  I need a better evening snack when my tummy rumbles.

2.  Protein!  Protein is something I have been conscious of getting enough of as I know its even more important than usual while I am trying to build lean muscle tissue.  I think I do pretty good in this department, I eat a lot of almonds (too many, oops did you know a serving is 9 not 2-3 handfuls), beans, lean meats.  But I hadn't been getting them at breakfast.  This week I started making my own smoothies with frozen bannas, berries, milk, and non fat yogurt.  While the smoothie is a HUGE improvement over my cereal breakfast it was lacking a good protein punch.  I had thought about buying  a protein powder but didn't like the idea of how much they cost.  So HELLO GREEK YOGURT!  In the class I learned that GREEK YOGURT has 18 grams of protein!    Another awesome food QUINOA, it has 14 grams of protein, its easier to cook than rice, and has a texture that I love.   Did you know you can even make a porridge from it and eat it for breakfast.

I have also tried adding oatmeal to my smoothie this week, and believe it or not its good.  Here's a video my crush Bob Harper making a smoothie :)

3. You need to eat less to loose weight!  Yeah I know it sounds like a no brainer but I have been eating too much.  I have been pretty focused on fueling myself with high quality nutritious food but I have not been mindful of just how much of that I am eating.  Case in point, we keep a large jar of almonds on the counter and between Ryan, myself and the kids we polish that off each week.  I snack on them all day long!  I had even begun to unconsciously grab them and eat them.  Not good.  The trainer at the gym said something that really struck a cord with me last night.  She said that the most important work we do in our training is not in the gym (all though that's a key component) its at home in our rest (recovery) and how we fuel our body.  Would you fill your Ferrari up with cheap gas?

Now here's the truth of it for me...I heard someone say this very thing maybe 8 months ago  (my friend Gwen) and at the time I thought BULL POOP.  I thought I have been busting my butt at the gym, balls to the walls, and eating much of what I want and I am loosing weight.  I thought that exercise alone could make the most impact on my weight loss (and almost pure cardio at that).  I know now that much of my belief in that was tied into my need to protect myself from 'dieting' and that my past eating disorder mindset was hanging on steadfast to the fact that I could eat what I want and not diet (change my eating habits not a fad diet).  The other truth is that I think that someone as overweight, as I was at a size 22 and being as sedentary as I was, the exercise was a big part of loosing the initial weight.  That and the changes that I did make in my eating habits.  When your running and feeling great you do want to eat better, but I was also eating what ever I pleased about two days a week (ie. full on food festival), plus a daily afternoon sweet habit.  I still think that its important to eat the things you love, not to deny yourself those things, but to eat them in moderation.  I think I also needed this slow journey over the last year to heal more of my mind and body, so that I am now in a healthy mindset as I make these changes to my diet.  The other thing is, I am motivated more than ever by setting a healthy example for my children.  I want to feed my little Ferraris the best fuel out there!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

First Family Race Day

Today the girls, Ryan and I joined in on the Rogers House Walk/Roll/and Run.  Ryan came up with the idea for Father's day a couple weeks ago and I thought it would be really fun to do something like this as a family.  Kudos to Ryan for picking this instead of a day of golf to himself (I think I spent Mother's Day scrapbooking LOL).  The 'event' we participated in was a 2km walk/run/roll.  We debated a bit on how to best do it with the kids.  We knew Kayleigh would do fine on her bike, but we were unsure if Kasey would make it for the full 2km.  We decided to bring the wagon too and when Kasey needed the break she could ride in it while one of us (umm Ryan) carried her bike.  At first we thought we would stay together but Kasey is pretty slow and we wanted Kayleigh to really get a chance to experience the thrill of really riding her bike in the race so we split up.  I went with Kay and Ryan with Kasey.  I can't tell you how much fun I had, and how proud I was of Kayleigh.  She was really careful and listened as we got through the initial crowd (it was a slow crowd for the most part lots of kids, walkers, and strollers)  and once we were up with the quicker moving body she just went for it!  I wasn't expecting her to be so fast and I had to run full tilt at times instead of the lazy jog I was expecting.  I cheered her on, whooping and yelling and I had the goosebumps and tears when we crossed the finish line.  She was so happy and so proud of herself.  I love that she got a taste of the 'thrill' today :)  Then we waited for Kasey while cheering on the other participants, I love the shot I got when we spotted Kasey coming in.  Oh my goodness Kasey looked looked so cute, peddling her little tricycle as fast as she could, she was trying so hard, and soo proud of herself as well.  I was a BEAMING MAMA today.  I love that the girls put their best effort in, that they pushed themselves a little harder than usual today, that they celebrated not winning but playing.  Kayleigh's exact words today "Mom its not winning that's fun, its riding your bike!" I love that we did something active as a family today.  Most of all I am so grateful for my healthy children that could ride their bikes today.  There were a lot of reminders today of how blessed we are, so many people wearing memorial shirts of little angels that have gone to heaven.  Thank-you God for a beautiful day with my loved ones.

Sporting our new tees
fueling up with timbits :)
Kasey warming up 
Me and my silly monkeys
Just some cuteness, even a helmet can't contain these curls
Switched into the company tee :) Black is more flattering anyway, distracts from the unwashed hair and giant zit
Waiting for the GO
Almost time...
And she's off...

breaking from the pack...
I took this of the two of right after we crossed the finish line, I was HOT and SWEATY LOL 
A nice man took this pic of us, I am beaming so bright inside!
Kasey going into high gear and Kay picking a wedge
She's almost at the finish line, look at how PROUD of herself she is :)
Here's she goes, ready to cross....
One of the best moments we have shared!
My very favorite people in the whole wide world!!!!
and of course Hot Dogs after...oh yeah :) 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

My view from the couch

I think its kind of funny that I have a picture of me drinking coffee posted.  Its funny because I had meant to post a nice cold, condensation covered picture of my water bottle and a promise to drink 6 of them a day.  But I find myself stuck to the couch this morning, tired.  I don't want to go running.  I don't want to go to the gym.  I don't want to clean the house, or run errands, or play taxi.  I am tired.  Yesterday Ryan booked his vacation, he's tired too.  I think we are all ready to slow down in this house and enjoy some family time.  Kayleigh doesn't want to go to the gym today, she doesn't want to go without her sister who is in nursery today.  I don't feel like going through the whole rigamarole to get her there. I am tempted to skip the gym today and instead do some art with Kay and go for a nice evening run tonight.  Maybe today should be a day of shifting responsibilities and putting the fun back in for all of us.  After all today is our day to use water in Barhaven, maybe a little backyard water fight?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Exam Done!

Last night I spent 2.5 hours writing the written portion of the Personal Training Certification exam.  You need 80% to pass, and while I can't confidently tell you I 'aced' that I think I did ok.  I know for certain that I gave my best effort, that I prepared well and I can always re-write it.  It felt pretty weird to have spent a week with my nose in the books, taking notes, and writing an exam.  It's been about 11 years since I have done that, but I have to say that I kind of enjoyed it.  It reminded me of how much I enjoyed school.  If I actually end up getting certified part of keeping it active each year is eduction.  So hopefully,  I have a lot of learning ahead of me.  
10-14 days from now I will know if I passed, and if I do will schedule the practical part of the exam, renew my CPR and become a certified personal trainer!  Then what?  I honestly have no idea.  I have decided to take this journey one step at a time, working out what works for my family and I.  So here's to good news!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I am not in this alone

Well now that I have come down from my sweat induced slightly dehydrated high that led me to my silly video, I feel a strong need to stress something.  I still think the scale is shit! I really do believe that we are all so much more than the number on that scale.  I think I posted awhile ago that there would come a time when the number on the scale would thrill me and I would be tempted to fall into its trap.  I just want you to know that I am not fooled or lured by its red dress.  Today was a big deal for me, in the grand scheme of things getting under 200 pounds signified a lot of meaningful things for me.  It was about more than the number.
Now let me tell you, while I taped that happy little outburst my 5 year old daughter was watching me and after I hit the stop recording button I cringed inside.  Throughout this entire journey I have not talked about weight in front of the kids.  We talk about Mommy and Daddy exercising to be strong and healthy.  We talk about our whole family getting our exercise and eating healthy food that will give us energy and help us grow.  We don't talk about being FAT or WEIGHT.  So when I said those words about loosing weight and how much I weigh I prayed that they went over her head.  I read this great post on raising young girls and protecting them from eating disorders the other day  and lets just say it hit home!  I think today I realized that this 'journey' of mine is not mine alone and I am starting the first 'leg' of the girls too.    I had better start them off strong.


OFFICIALLY from katie squires on Vimeo.

Monday, June 6, 2011

104 days till....

The sources for all these images can be found here:

104 days till the Army Run Half Marathon! I write that my heart is beating a little faster.  I have been training, running 3 times a week pretty consistently.   I run 8, 10, 12 KM regularly and have done one run at a distance of 15km.  I think I have built up my endurance at a good pace and am ready to get a little more serious or rather specific in my training.  I have been looking online at various training programs, and am down right confused by them.  The short forms and types of runs overwhelm me.  I also don't know where to start.  Most of the training programs have you starting logging distance that is less than I am used too...and yet I wonder if I start or stay where I am will I burn out?  I should invest in a running room clinic but frankly I don't want to spend the money having spent so much on other things of late.  So I am thinking I will loosely follow this program I found and over all train like I do most things KATIE STYLE, BY THE SEAT OF MY PANTS!  
I have made some good gains of late.  My knees used to hurt after 10km and they don't anymore on my 12km runs.  I used to run the last 2km at a very slow pace taking it easy on my knees and now I can run the last 2 hard without pain.  I wonder if strength training has helped with that.  My 5km runs are faster now too.  Last week I dialed the distance and intensity back due to chest cold and I think that was smart not only because of the cold but to rest.  I think adding some easy weeks in will be a good training strategy.  Overall my plan is to slowly increase the end of the week long slow run, to rest the day before the long run, to keep doing some speed and hill work, keep strength training, and add some cross training in like spin.  Sounds like a plan to me.
My biggest fear right now is not my ability to run the race, I know I can do that, might take me a really long time but I will do it.  My fear is after the race?  I have made so many gains in the last year and I have a tendency of self sabotaging myself.  I don't want to loose this 'feeling' I have right now.  I guess what I am saying is I am afraid of the 'honeymoon' ending.  I think the key is not to take the journey I have been on for granted.
So I leave you with these :)

Friday, June 3, 2011

Tears in the Change Room

I went shopping last night and found myself shedding some tears in the change room.  Quite honestly it certainly is not the first time I have cried or wanted to cry while trying on clothes.  I can't count the number of times I have gone shopping, walked the store gathering stuff that I like, and entered the change room with a HUGE pile of clothes, only to have nothing fit.  Shirts that wouldn't stretch across my massive boobs, shirts that were to short to cover the duffle bag pouch, or to tight and emphasized said pouch.  Pants that wouldn't do up no matter how much I sucked it in for all its worth and wiggled.  You know your in bad shape when you work up a sweat trying on clothes, and that's in a plus size store with clothes that are supposed to fit my ample figure.

Last night I went shopping for a new outfit and for the first time in likely 10 years did not go to Pennignton's or Addition Elle.  I went to Reitmans and walked to the left of the store (the plus side is on the right).  If you haven't shopped in exclusively plus size for years, it may be hard to understand the pure thrill this gave me.  It was like I was acting on a dare and I admit I was kind of nervous about how successful I would be.  I did my usual routine of selecting lots of stuff having no idea if any of it would actually look good on.  I picked up some jeans in two sizes 15 and 13 (I was curious), some cute shirts, shorts, and cardigans.  Then I stripped down in the change room and got to work.  Now I have certain rituals that I unconsciously do while trying on clothes.  My children have pointed them out to me by mimicking me while we hang out in the change room.   I look at myself with one eye open, I hold my breathe, and I pat my hips for good luck.  I really do! Well last night it worked because for once the clothes I tried on went on with ease and fit.  For once I wasn't tearing the items off in frustration, but lingering with that one eye open wondering could it be?  The woman looking back at me in the mirror patting her hips for good luck looked dare I say 'hot' in those jeans!  The style experts say you should have that one magic pair of jeans that turn you into a sexy hot number.  Well I found them, and in comfort fit (like maternity pants LOL no zipper) no less.  The best part they were a size 13!  (not a 14 a to love the sizing at Reitmans they know the mind games we play LOL).

 From a size 22 to a 13 (14), now I know I shouldn't let numbers have so much power but that number did for me.  So much so that I started to cry.  I cried thinking back over the last 10 years as I watched that number on the label of my jeans climb slowly and surely up to a 22.  I cried thinking of how as that number grew my love for myself shrunk.  I thought of the girl that pulled her pants down in front of her best friends and shook her pouch in humour (after too many wobbly drinks) and we all laughed together, but really I was crying inside.   I thought of all the occasions I had dreaded and found a way out of going to because I couldn't find something to wear.    Most of all I thought  how f' ucking good it felt to feel pretty and not like an overstuffed and wrapped version of myself.  I left the store in a hurry, almost like Cinderella in fear that the magic was about to break.  I wasn't even in the car before I had my phone out and was calling my Mom to tell her.  My mom that has loved me all my life no matter what size I am.  My mom that followed me around the house in high school to make sure I didn't throw up my food, that painfully watched while I vacillated up and down, thin and unhealthy, then fat and unhealthy.  My mom that helped me find that one outfit that would fit at size 22 and make me feel pretty.  My mom that always no matter what size I was loved me and made me feel beautiful.  That's who I called from the parking lot in Barhaven in tears, to tell her that I had found the magic (bare with me through the cheese, but like stinky cheese its good cheese).  This post isn't to brag and say I have lost weight, yeah me,  I can fit in a smaller size.  No its a post to say I have found the magic, I have found my true self again after so many years of destructive and disordered eating and thinking.  I feel strong, damn strong, and healthy, and HAPPY.  I feel like I can be the woman I am meant to be.  That I can make dreams like mothering to my best ability, writing, running, being the best wife I can be etc.. come true!

Note:  I will update the post later with a pic of my magic jeans when I go out tonight:)  but in the meantime felt the need to post these words...out to you my blog friends.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Normally I keep the scrapbooking for the 'other' blog LOL, but I wanted to share this one here today.  The journalling reads:
I feel like I am living a fairytale. My fairy godmother has come and granted me self confidence, words to write, and self love....for the first time in YEARS! I feel pretty. For so long I truly felt 'ugly' in my skin...its about so much more than loosing weight...its about finding me.