Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Time to let go of that worn out badge

I met with my new gym buddy this morning and tagged along for some of her workout. This woman is on a mission and I love working out along side her challenging myself to do more. I had to cut it short for a much anticipated meeting with one of the personal trainers at the gym. I felt really comfortable going in having already talked to her the previous week over the phone, and in general knowing that the trainers are very friendly and approachable. I went in hoping that she would listen to 'my life story' as it were, and that she would be able to help point me in the right direction, in terms of getting healthier and stronger. I have been working hard over the last 11 months, my life and my family's lives has changed in so many ways. It was good to hear from someone else that I am doing many of the really important things right. That I do indeed have much to celebrate. I also still have a lot of work to do. We talked about nutrition and strength training the two areas that I am lacking in. She gave me some very good concrete advice on how to do better in these areas. We also talked about my goals and what has been holding me back from achieving them. I didn't know at the time, but as we were talking something was clicking inside my head. As I type these words its becoming very clear to me, that the words that I have written over the last few posts, they are telling me something. Its time to let go of the past. When I was a bulimic in my youth I held on to that title like some kind of badge, it defined me. Then I got fat, and while healing much of my soul and mind I still hadn't healed my body. I wasn't much healthier at a size 22 than I was as at a size 4. Yes, I was more confident and happier at my fattest than I ever was at my thinnest, but I was still holding on to this notion that I didn't need to change, that I was ok. I had convinced myself that I didn't need to loose weight, that loosing weight was 'dangerous' for someone like me. I truly believed that I could be fat and healthy. But I wasn't. My back and feet hurt from carrying the weight around, and I had very little energy. I wasn't healthy at 258 lbs. That realization spurred the change that brings me hear to today. Those of you that have been reading my ramblings know exactly how far I have come (318.54 miles). But I am still holding onto that bulimic badge and its holding me back. I know that must sound really weird so let me explain. I have lost weight, and its mostly because I move a lot, and I have made some healthy changes in my diet. But I am so RESISTANT to really changing my diet. I am so RESISTANT of letting go of my handfuls of chocolate eggs. I keep telling myself that I don't need to change my diet to loose weight and be healthy. More importantly, I keep telling myself that I CAN'T change my eating habits because that would be a one way ticket back to Bulimia. I am holding on to that old eating disorder badge like some kind of security blanket. When in reality, those days are gone. I am in a good place, with family and friends that support me, and most importantly I love myself. I am not the same person I was at a size 4 or at a size 22. I am no longer my size. I do need to make changes to what I put in my mouth. I eat to much processed food (just because its BLUE MENU doesn't mean its healthy). I don't eat nearly enough fruits and vegetables. I eat too much food. Most importantly, I don't treat food for what it is FUEL. I am not teaching my children to eat healthy. If there is a sure fire way to make you change, its putting the fear of messing your children up in you. So yes, I do need to make changes to my 'diet'. These changes will better FUEL me in meeting my goals and living the life of an active Mom and family. These changes are not going to undo me.
Thank-you Sabrina, for really listening today and TRULY pointing this girl in the right direction.

No comments:

Post a Comment