Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Past Meets Present

I have wrestled with whether or not I should write this post. I have wondered if its appropriate, is it too real, is it something other's will want to read. In truth I think I have just wrestled with whether or not I wanted to admit this. But this blog is about my journey to health and well lets keep it honest.

This past weekend I had a run in with my past. Ryan and I went out to celebrate an old friend's birthday in the market. I haven't really been in a bar in the market since I was in my 20's, and in my 20's I was very much a bulimic.
We went to a pub that has changed names over the years but the layout is still the same and when Ryan asked if I knew were the bathrooms were I realized I did indeed know. I had purged in that very bathroom almost 10 years ago. I remember coming to that pub, eating chicken wings with friends, and then making myself throw up in the bathroom.

The memory of that kind of rattled me that night. It was just so surreal to be back there and to think of who I had been then and who I was now.
A lot has changed for sure. No longer a size 4, now plus size, no longer bulimic, now fit and healthy.

But I think what really rattled me was how that memory reminded me just how much that 'past' lingers. Did you know that I often have dreams of binging and then frantically searching for a place to purge. In my dreams the anxiety sky rockets while I meet an obstacle course of challenges to purge. The dreams are much like my other or any other anxiety dream. You know dreams like being back in school and having a test that you are not ready for, or going to work naked. I don't have these purge dreams often but they do happen. I suppose its not surprising when you consider I spent a good portion of my life bulimic.

When I recovered from bulimia I gained weight very quickly. I have spent the last 10 years overweight and have been recovering and healing in many ways. I have always thought that during this time I healed my mind and soul. I was and still am happier and more content as a plus size girl then I ever was as a skinny girl. I don't obsess over food, and it doesn't occupy most of my thoughts any longer. I changed my binging and purging behaviors over for just eating what I wanted and letting it go. All though healthier, I still had and have problems with eating for reasons other than being hungry. Now I have entered what I like to think of as my final stage in recovery. I am getting fit, and I am loosing weight. I am truly striving for total health.

When I started this final leg of the journey, I really thought that it was mostly physical. I thought that what I needed was to get fit, to move, breathe and nourish my body. But I am realizing that yes indeed there is still a mental part to heal.

I have been FAT for 10 years and in a way protected from my past demons. Does that make sense? A few years ago when I lost weight on WW...they crept back. I have written about this before, how the counting of points, and tracking what I ate and such felt too much like my old behaviors. During that time old thoughts crept back in my head, and while they didn't lead to binging and purging they did lead to the black and white thinking that led right back in to fat bliss. I say fat bliss because it was easier to just eat and not deal with the mind games.

But here I am again, loosing weight. I am loosing weight in a healthy manner. I am loosing weight slowly, I am exercising. I am not dieting. Yet...the thoughts are creeping back in. I don't have my fat bliss protection. Sunday night I ate the rest of the kids Pizza Cookie and afterward I thought..."oh dear that was a lot...oh my have I undone my hard work...maybe I should purge." I actually thought that. I haven't had that thought in a very long time. It scared me. I didn't. I banished the thought out of my head thinking of my kids. But still the thought had come to me and that scares me.

I think I am in a better place than say 2 years ago on WW, because I am not dieting. So far I have been able to eat the things I love in moderation. Doing this has helped keep me from the black and white thinking that leads to the binge and purge behavior or even the give up and get fat again behavior. I have recognized that there are certain things I just can't do because they 'F' with my head. Like the scale, that I threw out.

I know that this blog has helped me a lot. There is something about writing here that is so therapeutic. Whether anyone reads this blog or not, there is something therapeutic about knowing someone might read this. I like that it helps me stay real with myself.

So I end today with this....This journey really is a twisting winding road :) But its beautiful.

Friday, September 24, 2010

SWEET 16


Sweet 16

Years ago when I lost weight on WW I got down to a size 16 and it felt so good. It was a great size for me. I didn't stay there long and quickly started heading back up. Having thrown my scale away I have been measuring my success with other things, one of which is pulling my size 16 jeans out and trying to squeeze into them. 2 weeks ago I managed to get them on but I had to lay down on the bed to flatten out my pouch and pull hard to get that zipper up. Once in it was a crazy show to see watching me get up off the bed and standing.

I tried the jeans on again yesterday and was able to get them on with just a HUGGGHFFF of a pull, while STANDING UP. They FIT! Well let me clarify they fit tight :) wink. But they are on and I am standing up and I could bend over (um not comfortably).

From a size 22 to a tight 16 in four months or so :) LOL

Yesterday's fashion show was a huge motivation for me to keep on running literally :)

Maybe soon I can post a pic of myself in my fav jeans :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Step up Challenge :) DONE

Finally made it to a step class yesterday to complete my little challenge. When I started working out about 4 months ago I took a step class and it KILLED ME. I was huffing and puffing and close to puking. In my youth I flew over that step like some kind of aerobic fairy. So after 4 months of trianing spinning, running and pumping I thought it would be fun to try another step class.

When I did my first class I used one riser, but after seeing The Biggest Looser Premier where the contestants did 500 steps on 2 risers I thought I had better up the anty. So i did the class on 2 risers just like when I was the aerobic fairy :)

So how did I do? FREAKING AWESOME! I felt great, I did the advanced moves, the jumps and leaps, and the running steps. I still got lost in some of the choreography but that was because of my lack of coordination. This time when I was lost with no idea what to do I just made my own moves that challenged me till we moved on to something less dance like. It was still a killer workout, and I sweated more than I have in any other class!

People who do STEP are fit man!!!

So I went home had a glass of wine which led to 3 and OOOPS I was in bed at 8:00:) LOL

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Losing it in Ottawa

Have you guys checked out this blog? Losing it in Ottawa? Its a group of funny, full of life, REAL women sharing their journeys to health and weight loss. I have so enjoyed keeping up with them on their blog and on facebook. Today I have the great pleasure of sharing a guest post over there. Its about my friend the scale...wink :)

Army run: We did it


Ryan and I ran our first race together today. The Ottawa Army Run, 5km. We ran with our dear freind Yvonne.

First of all I have to give a huge thank-you to Yvonne. She suggested running the race with her just shortly after I had joined the gym, and I have to say that registering for this run is really what took me to the step in fitness. I went from going to the gym for a workout to going to the gym in pursuit of becoming something more, a runner, an athlete (Yes I dare dream!), a healthy person.

It was so cool being part of this experience today, from the cool shirt (that although very tight did fit, and certainly would not of 4 months ago), the cannon shot to start the race, and the dog tags earned at the end. While running I saw the names and faces of soldiers on people's backs and got the goosebumps, reminded then of what this was really about.

I ran with my husband and that was beyond cool, to share this together. So me being me (and those of you that know me will laugh) I said to Ryan just before the CANNON blast: "Hey if I am feeling good do you mind if I go ahead (we had planned on staying together)." He says sure and throws in the "then you won't mind if I go ahead either." So the race starts and we get separated. I am feeling good really good and going faster than I would normally. About half way in I think to myself "I am blowing him out of the water!" Well then I CATCH up to him, and I can't keep up. The frigger beat me!
It was my best race yet for the 5km, near the end I was dying and I actually threw my $15 fancy water bottle away because it felt like 20 pounds. To make up for the waste, I threw it to the side of the road with dramatic flair and took off.
My ipod says I finished at 34min and 28 seconds, and I am so curious to see what my real time is. Regardless, it was MY BEST run, and it was awesome!
After wards, we had breakfast with Yvonne and her hubby and enjoyed a guilt free happy fatty meal :)

One happy girl today :)

Friday, September 17, 2010

New Attitude = New Hair

New attitude needs a no do. Short and Sassy :) I think I like it :)

PS. the sweater fits!!!
See that crazy lady? That is the look of a girl who has just run 5km in 34 F'king 38!!! I finally got under 36 min on the treadmill. I felt like I was on fire today :) I downloaded some Sweet Surrender and Hold On remixed and it just made me fly.

I felt so damn good that when I was the groc store after instead of picking up a chocolate bar for a treat I picked up a cute top from Joe (found the elusive size XXL) and have hopes that it will fit :) One of my goals is to fit into Joe clothes again :)

Looking forward to my first 5km race this Sunday at 8:00am :) Running with my hubby and friend Yvonne and eating a big pancake breakfast after :)

WOOT WOOT

Friday, September 10, 2010

Underbelly

I realize this blog is starting to sound a little too lollipops and rainbows. Time to show you the underbelly of this beast, that rainbow days still have struggles. Yesterday, was not a great day. My allergies were AWFUL. I was a sneezing machine. I still managed to drag my (sneeze, cross your legs or you will piss yourself) self to the gym. I ran 5km on the treadmill and had my best time yet of 36 min and 4sec. 5 sec short of meeting my under 36min goal. I think I may have done it if I hadn't had to blow my nose so much, mind you I think the 2 extra strength allergy pills may have given me a little extra speed. I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch in an allergy stupor. We left the house once, for Kay's kindergarten interview and on the way home I had the worst craving for timbits. So I got some. Did I get the small box of 10.....NO...I got 20. I ate 10 and 'saved' the rest for Ryan. I mean might as well drag him under with me, only he never did eat them. Yes, I polished the rest off while watching TV that night. I felt pretty gross after wards. I started to berate myself, and start the usual negative drill in my head. I was in full danger of heading back into the black and white zone. The zone of good or bad, no in between. The zone where one false move renders you worthless and unworthy of health. Luckily, I only made a pit stop and then squealed my wheels out of there. I am worthy. I ran 5km in 36 min and 4sec. I am going to be ok. 20 timbits are not going to undo me unless I let them.
I CHOSE not to let them undo me :)
Katie-1 Timbits-0

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pain

Oh my poor feet. They feel broken. All night they hurt when I wiggled my toes or stretched my foot. When I got up this morning and put weight on them, OUCH. I ran 6km yesterday and then did a pump class. Its not like my workout was out of the norm. Maybe its just all the workouts added up that made them hurt. I am really hoping that a day of rest will set them right. Its not major pain, just a bit ouchy.
So needless to say I won't be doing step today and will save that challenge for later in the week.
I do have some fun news though, I cheated yesterday and got on the scale at the gym. I couldn't help it. Well the news was good. 30 pounds lost. 30 pounds in just under 4 months of working out 5-6 days a week. I have dropped 2 sizes in clothes. I would do the happy dance but my feet hurt.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Step up Challenge :)

I am posting a challenge to myself this week. I want to do a step class at the gym again to see how far I have come. When I first joined the gym about 4 months ago I tried a step class and well lets just say that I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT! It was so hard, and I had to stop and do the moderate moves. I am really curious to see how I would do now. Will it be like when I was in Uni flying over the step? Well lets see.

Hold me to this will you :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

Getting Stronger Every Day


Did a couple pages in my inspiration journal last night. May I just say I am addicted to resist! So I did a pump class yesterday and it was my second class with weight added to all the tracks, I was sweating like crazy. I am officially .45km away from my run 60km in 4 weeks goal. I have till the 6th the to do it. Laurie told me I should blow it out of the water so I guess I better have a go at a long run Sat :) Off to spin now :)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Aginst the odds

Yesterday I made it to PUMP class against the odds. The day started off with Kasey under the weather. At first that was ok, she was very cute and cuddly. But cute and cuddly attached to you all day quickly makes for a very whiny other child and boredom. I ate all day long. My mouth was the express lane highway for carbs. I was supposed to do PUMP with Ryan at 6:30 but we couldn't both go with Kasey not feeling well. So Ryan went and the plan was I would do the 8:30pm class at the women's gym. 8:30 pm! Now that's practically my bedtime. I was tired, grumpy, carb ridden, and not feeling up to it.
But somehow some way I made it. I had fun too. I had a new to me instructor that was fun. I came home feeling oh so much better about myself.

Bonus...I added wight to all my tracks.

Lesson learned: Even when the day gets derailed, even when you have eaten to much...there is still hope of turning it all around...as Laurie told me..DON"T WAIT TILL MONDAY!!!