Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Flab VS. Pedicure

Today marks 6 weeks since I joined the gym. I have worked out 6 days a week every week but one when I went 5 days. I have lost 16 pounds. All that lovely new clothing I bought in states is getting big :) LOL When I shower and slather the soap over this sexy body I can feel less of me and less bumpage (If Donna can have dripage I can have bumpage).

And yet I still have moments of utter frustration with myself. Like today at the gym I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror bent over and I could see the top and bottom halves of my tummy HANGING...UGHHHHH. Made me feel so defeated.

I hate moments like that...I hate that my stupid FLAB took away the great feeling I had after running 2 miles non stop and doing hills. I hate that I let the flab rob me of that.

Then I remembered something...last night I painted my own toes, with EASE. May not sound like a big thing but when you have a big fat belly in the way it can be a challenge.

So yes, I am sporting my nicely polished toes now and smiling once again.

Monday, June 28, 2010

These shoes were meant for spinning

Sporting my new SPIN shoes :)

I had the best Spin class yet. I don't know if it was the new shoes, or just the energy of the class but it ROCKED. I went in with an attitude of this is going to be fun and I am really going to push myself. The music was perfect, the class was even groaning out a few breathless lines, we yelled, we shouted, and we burned. I felt high on endorphins after.

Here's the thing, that high lasts a hell of a lot longer than the high I get from mowing down on a bag of MM's (the large bag) and there is no guilt afterward. Another bonus, when I am hungry and boy oh boy do I get hungry I can eat and fuel myself without guilt. I try to eat when I am HUNGRY (I still find myself eating when I am not like this past weekend when I was grumpy and bored but it happens much less often). I eat what I want. Much of the time I want the healthy food, my body craves it and how it makes me feel. Like my smoothie in the morning, it tastes good, is good for me, and I am full all morning. If I eat something else I tend to be hungry again at 10:00. Don't get me wrong I still want the treats, and when I do I have them. But I eat them and enjoy them not in a blind numbed out frenzy.

So this Wednesday will mark 6 weeks of this fat girl finding her inner athlete. I find myself in a strange transition. I am amazed at how body is changing. I stared at my legs this morning as they pushed through the hills on the bike. I actually sneak looks of myself in the mirror because I am happy to see less of a belly, less of this and that. I look at my face and see more of the ME I remember. But at the same time I am still somewhat surprised at the chubby girl in the photo. Like the one here. I tell you when I took that picture this morning I felt on fire. I felt like Gabrielle Reece. So when I upload the photo and see a plus size girl its still kind of a disconnect. Its funny how quickly my mind's picture has changed, and I guess my actual body is slowly catching up.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

New Shoes and a Plus Size Score

Yesterday night the kids and I headed out for some shopping and dinner. Ryan was heading away for the weekend and I had that familiar urge to get out and do something. Normally that would mean driving to the Scrapbox for some scrappie treats and then some dinner with the kids. But this GYM GIRL had spent the morning admiring everyone's spinning shoes in spin class and decided that I really needed a pair.
So on the advice of the class instructor I headed to Bushtukah, which is NOT a JAPANESE RESTAURANT as I had thought.
I found a great pair of shoes, and a pink water bottle and headed to the cash. On the way to the counter I admired all the eye candy (workout clothes in all manners of colors and styles). As I walked I wished that that they had MY SIZE. I was even tempted to scour through the racks checking sizes in hopes of finding that elusive size 2x. But with the 2 kids in tow and generally not wanting to face the disappointment I headed to the cash.
At the cash one last desperate idea struck me and I looked at the clerk with that gleam in the eye like a desperate junkie trying to score. I asked her in a half whisper if they happened to carry plus size clothes. WELL WOULDN'T YOU KNOW....THEY HAVE AN ENTIRE PLUS SIZE SECTION of athletic clothes! Real athletic clothes just like all the pretty smaller sizes. I was in heaven. It was like scoring CHA release scrappies!
I walked away with a proper pair of bike shorts, and the knowledge that my scrap budget was going to be taking a serious hit in the future.

Friday, June 25, 2010

A Healthy Picture

A few pictures taken over the last 5 weeks(week one, 4, and 5). I have lost 13 pounds and I think have gained a lot of muscle. Best part is my clothes are much looser. CORRECTION: Best part is how AWESOME I feel. Even my pouch is feeling less like a duffle bag and more like a shoulder bag :) I am aiming for an evening clutch :)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

OH YEAH.....

16min...20 sec...I DID IT!!!

Army Run

I got a FB message from an old friend the other day asking me if I wanted to join in on the Army Run (5km) in Sept. I have to tell you I was over the moon giddy that she would even think I could do it. I pondered it for a bit, wondering, could I do this? It was only the other day that I was running on the treadmill starring at a Marathon poster, dreaming of one day doing one. Running a marathon has been on my dream list since I was in Uni, along with writing a book.

I know this, 2 months ago I would never have imagined my 250 lb plus arse running, or spinning, or exercising for that matter. Now I kind of believe anything is possible.

So I did it, I registered.

Now here's the really cool part, Ryan did too! We are going to do it together. Ryan started working out at the gym regualry months before I did. Its been so neat to be working on getting healthy together, motivating each other. We even went to the gym one Sat morning as a family, kids too. The kids even PLAY gym now :)

Now I am a little bit of a competitive person. So yesterday Ryan and I had a little race. We both ran 1.5 miles. I ran in the morning and did it in 18 min and 53 s, and was pretty impressed with myself. I really didn't think Ryan could beat me. Well the stinker did it in 16min, 46s.

So a rematch is on :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Honeymoon is over

Its official the honeymoon is over. Its 9pm at night and I have a slight hunger in my tummy. At least I am trying to convince myself I am hungry because I want to eat. The last two days its been much harder to listen to my body and eat only when I am hungry. I have been eating when I am not hungry out of boredom, or frustration. I am still in love with the exercise, I still love going to the gym, but the HIGH that I was experiencing that was making the whole eating thing easy is offically over. I am now in the trenches crawling forward on my elbows.

Doesn't help that the kids FORCED my to buy jujubes the other day :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

Mirror Mirror On the Wall...who is that fat girl staring back at me. When I catch my refelction of late I am surprised. The girl staring back at me doesn't match how I feel inside. Its been one month since I have joined the gym and I feel fit and strong. I am able to do things I never thought I could do at this weight. So it is a surprise to see the fat girl when I look at my reflection. Add to that the scale. Its been one month and I have lost 9 pounds. I am fairly certain I have gained muscle, my arms are much more toned and so are my legs. I think even my EVIL pouch is smaller. I just wish that the "RESULTS" would catch up to how I feel, because the lack of tangible results sometimes makes me feel frustrated. But for now I will focus on what I can do and how I REALLY feel.

Like today, I had to do a quick workout. So I made sure to make it count with intervals. I started with 5 min biking to warm up. Then 20 min on the treadmill. 10 of which I did 30sec at 3pmh, and 1min at 6mph intervals. The next 10 I did hill intervals where I did 30 sec at 3mph, and 1min at 5pmh, upping the incline by one each set till I got to 5 and then jogged out the rest at 5pmh. Then I did intervals on the Elliptical for 10 min, upping the resistance till I reached 10. It was a sweat producer I tell you :) and it felt great!

That is the feeling I have to hold onto when I look in the mirror :)

midweek update

Its Wednesday, day 3 of the week. Monday was awesome I did a spin class. Its been about 10 years since I have done a spin class. I LOVED IT..the burn was awesome. But oh boy my butt!

Tuesday...I awoke with horrible allergies. I thought if I just got up and went they would go away. So I packed the kids up in the bike trailer and biked to the gym. Ryan had the car and I tell you it was a bad day to be on the bike, between spin the day before and the pollen it was not a fun ride. I got to the gym did 10 min of cardio while waiting for class to start and then PUMPED. On the ride home I thought my legs would explode. Then the day went downhill fast, very cranky, whiny children, sick mommy, called daddy to help, he was not happy, I felt guilty, I ate to numb the frustration and guilt. I hate that I went right back to eating to cope. I knew damn well what I was doing and even told myself it was ok because I was so upset. Really?

So today is Wednesday, a new marks 1 month since I joined the gym. Hoping for some good news on that scale today :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Jump Kick

I took my second COMBAT CLASS yesterday, on a Saturday morning. Yes I got up early on my sleep in day to go to the gym again!! Who is this girl?

Do you know what I did in that class? JUMP KICKS...I jumped in the air and did kicks! and I did hugh knee jumps, and scissor kicks....I thought I was going to puke twice and I loved it.

It was a week of triumphs....Tuesday I didn't have the car and instead of that stopping me from working out I took the kids to the gym on the bike and bike trailer. I had a workout on my way to my workout. Friday I wanted to do the combat class and when we arrived Kay threw a fit and didn't want me to leave, so we had to go home. I was so frustrated at missing my favorite class, but I went home and did the Shred LEVEL 2!

I worked out 6 days again this week. I got on the scale and I am down 8 pounds. I bought new workout clothes that make me feel so good. Today we walked around the West Festival in the heat and I carried Kasey, I was strong enough to do that.

Monday, I am going to try a spin class!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Going strong

Still going strong....worked out 6 days last week.


1. Cardio Combat...LOVED LOVED this class, it was killer and so much fun.
2. I ran for 30 min straight on the treadmill at my parents house on a SAT Morning :)
3. Today I biked to the gym with the kids in tow on the trailer to do a pump class. The ride itself was a workout.

I have eaten really well, really listening to my body and whether or not it is hungry. Although today I started off eating a snack of baked cinnamon rice chips while hungry but kept eating when I was no longer hungry because I was ENJOYING the taste and texture so much (umm ate the whole bag).

While at my parents house I had a pretty big talk with my Dad about weight, his weight my weight. We are unfortunately somewhat intertwined on this. Its been a bit of a sore point throughout my life. I know that ultimately my actions are my own. Yet I also know that there has been a lot of influence in my life from my parents and in particular my father. From the pressures of competing in running to the pressures and scrutiny on my weight. Sometimes I think my appearance WAS more accepted by him when unhealthily thin than it is now mostly healthy and fat. My talk with my dad was really directed at him and my worries for him. He is diabetic because of his weight. My father like myself has an eating disorder.

I just wrote that my father and I have an eating disorder. I am hesitating to state that I HAVE an eating disorder. Honestly, I like to think that my eating disorder is in the past. I certainly have not had active BULIMIC or ANOREXIC behaviors in almost 10 years. Food and weight have not occupied my mind 24 hours a day in 10 years. I have loved my self most of the time in the last 10 years. Yet I am obese. YES OBESE (at least that is what the medical experts say). I do not feel UNHELATHY. I am more physically fit than my thin sister. I do not have any diseases. I am in good health. Yet I weigh 255 pounds, and I was starting to get out of breath doing physical things. My back was starting to hurt a little when standing for long periods. Sometimes my feet hurt, like they didn't like the weight of my body. Most of all I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE in my skin. I use the past tense because I have felt so much better since I joined the gym. When bulimic I felt uncomfortable in my skin and I hated my body and self. Now its like I have on my FAV JEANS but they are a just not fitting right. So yes I do not feel like I have an eating disorder currently. I do over eat. I am a compulsive eater. There is much emotion tied to my eating behaviors. Yet, I do not feel that I have an eating disorder.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I did a Step Aerobics class yesterday. The last time I had done one was in University. I was quite excited to try this out again. Back in my day I was quite the 'stepper' and I thought it would be like riding a bike. I also thought that physically I could handle it because my athletic ego was still inflated from my run for 20 min feat. I thought that if I only did one riser it would be very doable.

OH MY GOOD LORD.....I am NOT in step shape. The pace is incredibly quick, MANIC. Their is so much jumping, leaping, squatting, lunging, very quick changes in direction...and this is a lot of weight to jump shift and leap over that step. I had to stop and march in place or do the easy options many times. (I will insert that this was an advanced class...its the only one they have and a beginner one would have been much more appropriate)

Yet I DID IT...I kept MOVING...I stayed when I wanted to puke and bolt back to the safety of the treadmill.

The experience was quite the walk back in time. It was so 'weird' for lack of a better word to watch the instructor as she FLEW over the step. It looked like she was in a gravity free zone. I USED TO DO THAT. I really did. It was exciting to think that I will be able to do that again.

BUT I also remembered how obsessed I used to be. I had fun today when I worked out. I was nice to the people around me. I even laughed. When I use to workout I would have the worst anxiety prior to getting to the gym. I was so concerned with getting their early to get MY SPOT in class (up front, rightside). I was so concerned with doing everything harder than everyone else...more risers, not stopping, running through the moves. I am ashamed to admit that I would even purposely nudge kick or elbow someone that got in my way during a routine. I don't like that person. I don't like that person that would nose and try to see what weight people entered into the stair climbers. I don't like that person that would up her speed on the machines every time someone else did. I don't like that person that did not like herself.

How strange that this chubby girl, LOVES and LIKES HERSELF. How different this gym experience is.

How different my life is.

Thank-you God.

Observations on Yoga from the Chunky Girl

I tried a YOGA/PILATES style class this week.

These are my findings:

1. This is the first class I have been in where I was the only girl with chunk.
2. Chunky middles and big boobs get in the way of many of the poses.
3. I have a nice rack when viewed with my face pressed into it.
4. Girls in Yoga class all have pretty painted toes
5. Even non chunky girls have to ADJUST THEIR PADDING
6. I like downward dog, maybe because it reminds me of another favorite pose WINK
7. It was somewhat frightening and comical to see my very chubby reflection twisted up in the mirror.
8. I am unable to maintain the ZEN mind wonders to things I need to do, or want to do, mostly because I don't like being in the zen right I leave.
9. The thing I enjoyed most was being barefoot
10. This is not the class for me.