Its been almost 2 weeks that I have been exercising and eating better. Most of the time I have felt like a new woman. I feel strong, like I can do anything. I feel thankful and happy. I feel HOPEFUL.
Then THE POUCH and its BITCH VOICE have to pipe up. As I am getting dressed this morning I do the unthinkable and look in the mirror (should have known better). I caught a glimpse of my shirt hugging my pouch...this extra duffle bag of loose fat hanging from my body. Immediately the VOICE starts...I am ugly, why even try...panic sets in...I need drastic measures....the voice suggests not eating, dieting, all manner of torture because I am not worthy.
I take a moment and breathe, I am stronger than this. How do you really feel? GOOD? Is life good? Yes Are you happy? Yes Then why let this voice take that away from you. Its a pouch and nothing else. It doesn't have any power unless I give it power. Its bitch voice is my voice. Whats the worse case? You continue to exercise and get fit, healthy, strong. You live a long happy life filled with the blessings you have been given. You do it all with a pouch. So be it. Chances are if you continue to love your self, and be healthy this pouch will become lesser and lesser. If it doesn't? You will be ok, better than ok.
That voice and the compulsive eating to silence it all seems to stem from some inner fear that I am not worthy of all this goodness in my life, that at some moment something bad will happen. As a child I would make myself sick to my stomach, sometimes actually throwing up (ironic considering I became a bulimic later in life) because I was terrified that my parents would die when they were out. I remember waiting by the window while being babysat in utter fear. All my life this fear has hidden in the corner of my soul causing anxiety. I have dealt with this anxiety by overeating, numbing myself in a variety of ways..checking out again and again throughout the day.
So you see the pouch really is just that a pouch, and that voice is a fear. Time to start addressing that fear and taking away its power.