Sunday, May 30, 2010

Katie: The Pouch and its Bitch Voice

Its been almost 2 weeks that I have been exercising and eating better. Most of the time I have felt like a new woman. I feel strong, like I can do anything. I feel thankful and happy. I feel HOPEFUL.

Then THE POUCH and its BITCH VOICE have to pipe up. As I am getting dressed this morning I do the unthinkable and look in the mirror (should have known better). I caught a glimpse of my shirt hugging my pouch...this extra duffle bag of loose fat hanging from my body. Immediately the VOICE starts...I am ugly, why even try...panic sets in...I need drastic measures....the voice suggests not eating, dieting, all manner of torture because I am not worthy.

I take a moment and breathe, I am stronger than this. How do you really feel? GOOD? Is life good? Yes Are you happy? Yes Then why let this voice take that away from you. Its a pouch and nothing else. It doesn't have any power unless I give it power. Its bitch voice is my voice. Whats the worse case? You continue to exercise and get fit, healthy, strong. You live a long happy life filled with the blessings you have been given. You do it all with a pouch. So be it. Chances are if you continue to love your self, and be healthy this pouch will become lesser and lesser. If it doesn't? You will be ok, better than ok.

That voice and the compulsive eating to silence it all seems to stem from some inner fear that I am not worthy of all this goodness in my life, that at some moment something bad will happen. As a child I would make myself sick to my stomach, sometimes actually throwing up (ironic considering I became a bulimic later in life) because I was terrified that my parents would die when they were out. I remember waiting by the window while being babysat in utter fear. All my life this fear has hidden in the corner of my soul causing anxiety. I have dealt with this anxiety by overeating, numbing myself in a variety of ways..checking out again and again throughout the day.

So you see the pouch really is just that a pouch, and that voice is a fear. Time to start addressing that fear and taking away its power.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Katie: Sat why do I feel like poop

I feel like poop....just sort of icky...I went to the gym this am, I did 20 min of cardio and a pump class. I left feeling strong and really good. Then the day went on and I ate pizza for lunch (ok) and for dinner had cereal and the strawberry short cake I made and now I feel like poop. I feel yucky because I haven't fueled myself well today, I have eaten crap and drank diet pop all day..and low and behold...I feel like this.

Things that make you go...mmmmmmmm

Friday, May 28, 2010

Katie: Friday

Quickie:)

Hit the gym this am :) Ran ONE MILE...in 12 min 30 sec...30 sec faster than last time. Then did another 30 min of cardio (pushing it hard at a HR of 150-170) on the elliptical and bike. FELT SO AMAZING.

While I was on the bike, I closed my eyes and I thanked God for being able to do this, for my body being able to do this, for me being able to go to a gym, for my children being cared for while I do this. I am so thankful for this.

Eating well today, lots of fruit..I hate fruit and since this AWAKENING has happened I think I have eaten fruit every day.

Off to spend time shortly with my sunshine Laurie, looking forward to seeing her beautiful face :)

Katie: Some things are still the same

Reporting in for yesterday :) The day started of very well, I did the Body Pump class at the gym. The girls played very nicely in the daycare while I pumped up the Jam :) I love this class, its hard core, it strengthens all of your body, its a major fat burner. What I love most is changing the weights on and off the bar, it makes me feel like a PRO...I love the clean and jerk. I figure if I can do this class 2-3 times a week and cardio in between I am SET.

So as you can see the day started off very well, the kids were in great moods yesterday, the day was moving along great. YET....after nap I had some licorice and some brown rice chips...I wasn't hungry...but I ate it anyway..I was bored (I think) and its habit to eat then. I thought to myself why are you eating this, don't, but I did anyway. I figure at least I was conscious of what I was doing this time. For dinner I was really in the mood for yummy comfort, I made to mini slider burgers and some oven fries...it was what I wanted...then in the evening I had some more licorice, and a bear paw (again eating for entertainment as I was bored).

So you can see somethings are very much the same...and YET they are different I am aware of what I am doing..I am questioning it...I am trying to ask myself do you really want this...sometimes I listen to my real needs and sometimes I do not. Most of all I am ACTIVE...and that feels great.

I am trying to read more of my WOMEN FOOD GOD book, but honestly I keep falling asleep. I have gone to bed at 9 two nights in a row, fully exhausted, body tired, and I tell you it feels great!

Today is Friday. I plan on running a mile at the gym and then finishing it up with more cardio to get 30 min in. I had 4 bear paws for breakie today...I knew I should have had cereal, but I wanted the yummy cakey goodness and ease with my coffee. I will allow that...and work at eating NUTRITIOUS FOOD TO FUEL ME the rest of the day.

Tonight, date with my SUNSHINE Laurie and two other friends :)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Katie: Athlete hiding in here

I told my Dad a week ago that I think there is an athlete hiding in my fat body. I have always been amazed how despite the fact that I am so overweight I have been able to do things. Like a few weeks ago biking, my legs felt like jello afterwards but I did it. Yes, I huff and puff up the stairs sometimes but I always seem to recover well and quickly from cardio bursts. When I was young I was a runner, and I did things like spinning and kickboxing. I loved it! I was also a wee bit obsessed :(

Now here's the thing I have used this athlete hiding out in the fat body as an EXCUSE...an excuse to not get serious about loosing weight. I have convinced myself that I can't be that BAD OFF....I can't be that UNHEALTHY if I can do this or that. I have done this for years! I watch the biggest looser and I am in awe at their accomplishments. I watch from the couch eating chocolate.

Its been a week since I have joined the gym. One week today. Do you know what I did today? I ran...I RAN ONE MILE...non stop...it took me 13 min. My 255 (yep lost 3 pounds) pound body carried that weight for one mile. I was even keeping up "sort off" with the skinny chick next to me. Mind you I stopped after one mile :) I felt like I was on fire. I felt good running, it didn't hurt, I didn't feel like I was going to dye...my heart rate reached 178...but 2 min after stopping it back to 140.

I think the athlete in me wants out...I think she wants to be in the next NIKE ad, running and shaking her pouch...shouting JUST DO IT!!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Katie: New week

Its Tuesday, keep thinking its Monday :) Long weekends mess me up. Started the day off well...got the cleaning done, the groc, and did a BODY PUMP class...I had to leave the class a bit early because Kasey had a dump LOL. I loved the class really loved it. I am not a fan of weights, I don't like doing the weight machine circuit at the gym, its boring. I know I need to do them to build muscle and strength...and this class seems to be the perfect fit for me. If I could do this 2 times a week I would be happy. Just need to remember to bring a Diaper bag for Kasey next time.

Food good today,

Breakfast: cereal and milk
Lunch: ww mini buns with hummus and ham. Carrots and hummus.
snack: 6 pieces of black licroice (serving is 4)...I ate this not hungry, because I was bored.

On the weekend I ate as I pleased I felt good having eaten well and exercised all week (even hit the gym sat am) and thought that it would be good to eat what I really wanted, and when hungry. I enjoyed myself and did stop when full. No guilt :)

Goal this week to be aware of what I am eating and why.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Katie Day 4 and 5

A quickie post :)

its Friday...and I have exercised each day this week!!!!!!! Did my first ever Zumba class last night....I was a very uncoordinated jiggler....not sure Zumba is for me..but I did it..I stayed for the whole hour and really sweated. Today I did 10 min of cardio, 30 min weights and then 5 min run..RUN...I amaazed that I ran on the treadmill and I am amazed at how good it felt!!!

eating well.....tonight for dinner not so good 12in sub, with lots of sauce and bacon...chips and a half a cupcake...but with all that exercise....whatever...I am good with it and I enjoyed it.

Going away for the weekend plan on a quick workout tom am before we go, and on our weekend I will eat what i want...key being what I REALLY WANT WHEN I AM HUNGRY....

signing off to watch good tv and scrap and smiling :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Katie-Day 3

I have to say that the sun is shining today and I feel like I am flying :) what a change from yesterday's sewer LOL. So this AM I ate my cereal for breakie, dropped Kay of at school, then enjoyed a non fat cap with Kasey at 2 Monkeys (big deal not to get the yummy HOMEMADE baked goods). Then I headed to the Women's Goodlife gym with Kasey in tote and signed up for a membership. I went in thinking that I would work out 2-3 evenings a week on the nights that I don't put the kids to bed, and pay for the daycare once a week to workout during the day. I was HAPPILY surprised to see that I could afford a membership for Kasey in the daycare...now I can work out during week in the daytime while Kasey plays. I can't tell you how exciting this is!! I can workout during the day, when I would like too....it will give me energy and help me feel great the rest of the day. I really wasn't all that pumped on working out after dinner..its my ME TIME...and I would much rather scrap than work out I tell you. I have always wanted to workout at the gym during the day...always been envious of those that could. HELLO I GET TO DO THIS...I am truly thankful!! Thankful for Ryan working so hard to allow me to stay home and be with the girls and do this. Mind you it does mean less trips to Starbucks, and missing that pedicure, and GASP maybe cutting down a bit on the scrap supplies. But its worth it.

So I had my first workout today...20 min on the elecpitical(no idea how to spell that) trainer and 10 on the glider...I worked hard, and worked up a sweat, definately more hard pounding than my walk to Starbucks :) I loved it!! That's all as I went at 2:30 and the daycare closes at 3. I felt like I was on fire, good fire! Tomorrow night I am going to try a ZUMBA class :)

Eating has been good today.

Happy me signing off :)

Katie: Pregnancy test # 7

I have taken 7 (yep 7) pregnancy tests since Friday. Its now Wednesday and they have all been NEGATIVE. My period was due May 10th. (9 days ago). I feel pregnant of course....in my mind I have convinced myself that I can feel flutters in my tummy (even if I was you would not feel this). So I looked online yesterday to see what the possible causes of missed period are. Great the two that apply to me are either:

1. OVERWEIGHT....I have gained so much weight that not only has it effected my getting pregnant but I have also lost a course or courses.

or

2. Peri Menopause

Personally I think its the weight....HERE IT COMES....I WEIGH 258 pounds...officially the most I have ever weighed not being pregnant (I weighed 266 preggers).

I am pretty sure that at least 15 of those pounds have come over the last year dealing with the loss of pregnancy and the monthly games of AM I PREGNANT...I have definitely been stuffing my face for the moments of bliss and all is right to deal with the mind games I have played on myself.

Soooooooo....I am not playing any more...you don't play fair LOL. I am suiting the old boy up in armor and we are officially not trying. We will we in the future...maybe. But for now I am letting go of this, I am letting go of the games, the pressure, the hopes, all of it.

I am focusing on ME and my family...because I am lucky and I HAVE two beautiful girls and boy when they are not cranky they are A LOT OF FUN TO BE WITH :) and I am going to make the most of that :)

Katie- Day Two Part Two

Oh how quickly a day can go the shitters. Yesterday both my children were very over tired a combination getting up at 5:30 and the little one not napping. Everyone was very cranky, whining, and IRRITABLE. I must say that I did not handle myself well. I yelled A LOT. I was thinking of how on facebook and my blog it looks like I live an idealistic life, all rainbows and lollipops. I think sometimes, correction most of the time...I do that because it helps me think that...helps me get past the tired cranky times, the lack of sleep, the whining. Please don't get me wrong I am SOOO BLESSED and most of the time I FEEL VERY BLESSED and I AM HAPPY...but yesterday I felt like I could have shipped those children off to the dump. So where was yesterday's triumph in all this, surprisingly there were a few.

1. I didn't stuff my face for the fleeting moment of bliss
2. I did exercise...I walked to Starbucks for a non fat frap with the kids.
3. At the end of the night I had a good TALK, a real talk with Kayleigh about the day and how we can BOTH be better.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Katie: day 2

I sort of feel like I am on vacation today, I spent most of the morning outside in my bathing suit with the kids setting up the pool. We had lunch outside and cuddled on the chaise after a dip :)

Food ok so far...breakfast was busy and I went for easy two mini croissants and mid morning a bear paw...didn't over eat..but not much nutritional value..just carb.
Lunch: lunch whole wheat pita with roastbeef, mustard and BRIE (gasp, I know fatty but it was left over and must not go to waste LOL) Coke zero (i know bad)
Dessert: 3 marshmallows

So food wise...good on not OVER DOING IT...but not great on nutrition.

This aft...walking to Starbucks with kids for exercise..will get a non-fat frapp :)

I should mention I finished yesterday off well with a Asian chicken vegetable soup (homemade) 2 bowls :)
I was HUNGRY at bed and ate high fiber cereal and 1% milk.

This am I stuck to my get your ass in gear by 8 and had the Tuesday cleaning done by 9 :) its a little thing but it really helps me feel motivated and not lazy.

Tomorrow I am going to go checkout the Goodlife for women with Kasey while Kay is in school. I figure I can work out after dinner 2 -3 times a week when not putting the kids to bed. And treat myself to a workout once a week during the day using the sitting service.

Last night read some of the WOMEN, FOOD, and GOD book....dog eared some passages that really stood out for me. One of them being that when I eat when not hungry its because I am hungry for something else...in my case I think I am hungry for that feeling I have of bliss when I am on my path...when I am connected to God I feel euphoric...and I feel separated right now.

So that's today at 12:30pm :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Katie: THE DAY

Ok so I spent Sunday feeling like a huge fat tired girl....I caught glimpses of my fat bloated face in the reflection of my laptop while being lazy and surfing. After months and months of thinking, pondering, a few baby steps here and there...I finally reached that point....the point of I AM READY.

I am ready to start feeling good about myself...I am ready to have energy again...I am ready to be healthy...I am ready!!

So today is Monday and unlike most Monday's that start off with that UGGGH its Monday....I started my week with a TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY...today is hope....and I had a great day.

I ate breakfast!! This is huge...I normally eat crap...like croissants, cookies...muffins for breakie. I have even been known to eat a whole sleeve of arrowroots dipped in coffee:( Today I had cereal and 1% milk.

I was out of slouch zone (coffee and laptop time) by 10 to 8 (I addresses this as a trigger in my journalling on Sunday, if I spend to much time lagging in the am, I fall into a lump of laziness).

I spent the morning on the go, grocery shopping buying healthy food, food for the healthy menu plan I put togther Sunday, I had a non fat TALL frappichino...no carb sweets.

At lunch I had salad with ham :)

At nap time (another trigger time) I actually did something rather than just slouth on the couch...I cleaned..and got the main floor in order.

After which, I put on running shoes and the girls and I WALKED to the faraway park for some fun in the sun. OOOF pushing those two in a storller was a workout :)
I packed water and snacks, carrots for me.

When we got home I felt physically tired, but good tired...I felt happy that I had DONE something...much actually :)

Took a little down time and started making dinner (this too is a big thing, as I often am too tired to cook and order out or go out). As I cooked I snacked a little, some honey peanuts and a diet coke and one mini croissant...not great but not horrible. I was really ok with the peanuts and then I saw the mini croissant..and I was not hungry at this point but I WANTED THE HAPPINESS that was in that little bakery item...I THOUGHT about not eating it (better than the automated unconscious eating).

So the kids are passed out cold, sign of a good day I think :) I am waiting for Ryan to come home for dinner.

My goal this evening is no snacking, if my tummy really rumbles and I am truly hungry I will have some cereal.

Side: I bought the book WOMEN, FOOD, and GOD today. Kind of hoping that it will help me along this path. And I think I just may join the gym this week...eeeee.....

Wish me luck :)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Here we go...

Well, it has taken us a while to get here, but now we have a reason. It's time for our rebirth. Time to start again. Time to motivate each other like we've never done before.

This will only happen with baby steps, with sticking to it, with picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off.

Our goals for Week 1 & 2

Beginner

Weeks 1 & 2:

Food Switch: Replace soda with water, unsweetened iced tea, or fat-free milk. Diet soda is okay, but limit the amount, as it may encourage cravings for sweet foods.

Cardio: Fifteen minutes of activity such as walking or riding a stationary bike five times a week. You should be working hard enough so that you can talk, but not for very long.

Strength: None. Starting a strength-training program can stimulate hunger. That's why I recommend waiting until you get a few healthy diet changes under your belt.

Traps to Avoid: Don't be tempted by a shortcut (a fat-burning pill, a fad diet). It may work for a while, but to lose weight permanently you need to move more, eat less, and figure out the emotional reasons you turn to food.

Yesterday I got a BIG FAIL on the exercise, but I made up for it today with 30 minutes on the treadmill - 1.33 miles!!!

I'm super happy to report no pop in two days now and so far I don't even miss it...

Our fridge has been broken and that definitely hasn't helped the journey to eat well, but now all is fixed and NO MORE EXCUSES.

Tomorrow is going to be a great day with healthy choices and GOOD WORKOUTS!